Faith, Trust, and Pixie Dust

I can finally see it.
Now I have to believe:
All those precious stories.
All the world is made of faith,
And trust,
And pixie dust.
                -"I'll Try" Peter Pan 2

As many of you know, I have a vocal recital this Saturday.  I've been very excited about it since I got my other singers together and got my plan set up.  I've been practicing these songs for years in anticipation to when I could really show what I could do.  I'm not just a visual artist, you know! 

I've been working on all my favorite music.  I have pieces from Wicked and from Cabaret.  I have songs I've chosen from Glee episodes, purely because I love the songs.  I even have one aria to show I can do it all.  I wanted this show to display the voice God has given me.  And also to have a good time with my friends.  

Well, disaster hit Saturday.  I started getting a rather nasty cough.  Well, what's this?! All I could think was 'oh good, I can breathe through my nose!' I didn't think I was seriously sick.  Well, Sunday and Monday it got worse.  I now have a full hacking cough that sometimes brings up green crud.  Green is never good.  I went to the clinic Tuesday after school and they even tested me for phenomena. Praise the Lord, it's just an upper respiratory infection.  Still not good, right? 

I've obviously had a turbulent couple of days.  Should I cancel? I can't cancel. It's too late. What can I do to get better? I've been sleeping as much as I can, drinking more water than I ever have before, bought the 100% orange juice I hate and have actually been drinking it... I'm using my inhaler more than I have since my softball days. (They were ugly). There's no solution.  I've also been in near tears.  You have no idea how much I've been dreaming of this.  When I was in high school, I was told by someone I loved that I would never be able to sing in anything but a choir.  I spent the next several years proving this person wrong.  And I love singing! I sometimes I accidentally start singing out answers to student's questions and they look at me like I'm crazy. Or they say, "Hey! She must really like mine, she sang it!" I just love it.  It's part of my personality.  I want people to know what I can do.  I want recognition.  That sounds so selfish but that's all I ever wanted. 

I used to be on worship teams whenever I could.  It took being rejected for three summers of camp before I realized that when I sang worship, it was all pride in myself and my voice.  It was rare that I was actually doing what I was doing for God.  He was no part of what I was doing.  I was just basking in the reverberation of my vibrato.  So I haven't been in worship team since.  I need to learn how to make it for Him first. 

It's always been a struggle for me to let go of pride.  I don't take that kind of pride in painting.  I rarely ever know how I manage to paint the things I do.  I see God's hand clearly in my artwork.  But in my voice I almost always see my strict training and all the work that went into it.  It becomes mine and I won't let God claim it.  Granted, this is all unintentional.  So for this show, before I'd go to bed thinking of this, I prayed to God that He would make this show His own. I told Him I want this to bring glory to Him and Him alone.  That's what I prayed.  And that's what I'm going to get.  

If I was completely healthy this whole week, practiced the whole time, worked hard, I would take the glory.  God would have had nothing to do with what I'm doing. Now I have gotten what I prayed for, in a sad way.  This show can not happen, under any circumstances, unless God intervenes. The glory of this show being pulled off now resides entirely in God's hands.  This is not in my control anymore.  I can drink as much orange juice as I can, but without God's healing hand, I can do nothing.  

Faith and trust are two things that come easy to children. Wendy, John, and Michael all used faith, trust, and pixie dust to fly.  I had the idea that the pixie dust was the hardest thing to find of the three.  But right now, I need to focus on the first two.  Faith and Trust.  God knows more than anyone how much this has meant to me. He knows everything I've ever thought.  He knows that I do want to glorify Him.  And He knows the way to do that better than I. Faith and Trust.  Faith and Trust. 

Prayers are still very much so welcomed.  For those who want to see what God can do, show up at Z-Hall at 4pm on Saturday.  Faith and Trust. Faith and Trust.