"Out There"

"Out There"
Safe behind these windows and these parapets of stone
Gazing at the people down below me
All my life I watch them as I hide up here alone
Hungry for the histories they show me
All my life I memorize their faces
Knowing them as they will never know me
All my life I wonder how it feels to pass a day
Not above them
But part of them

And out there
Living in the sun
Give me one day out there
All I ask is one
To hold forever

Out there
Where they all live unaware
What I'd give
What I'd dare
Just to live one day out there

      I was rather surprised to see that I had never written a blog on this song.  It's always been one of my favorite songs. It really hit the heart of what Quasimodo was feeling, as Stephen Swartz is good at.  It's also hit me in the heart over the last two years as well.  But don't worry, this blog has a happy ending.  

After being home for Thanksgiving, it was easy to miss my family instantly.  I didn't get enough time with them.  I got plenty with my mom, though more is always welcome, but I didn't get to talk to my dad at all.  Val only a little.  So I had a bad week as far as depression goes.  While I still say that this semester has been my best semester yet, that doesn't mean I don't have small relapses.  I skimmed through 7 seasons of Boy Meets World in retaliation.  I did better at getting to my classes, but I still blocked a lot of my feelings through TV episodes.  It took a prayer drive last night to get me back on track.  

Things just get to you sometimes.  "If I could live one day out there."  Out there where people don't dream impossible dreams.  Out there where they have someone to share things with.  Out there where they all live unaware of what I'd give. What I'd give to have what they have.  I know that the grass isn't always greener on the other side.  I already got that lesson learned in the differences in a Christian college vs. Non-Christian.  But I just want someone to share the bad and the good with.  I have Katie, and my mother.  But sometimes you just want someone to hug you and tell you whether you're being silly or stupid or that it's going to be okay, or they understand. Someone who doesn't have to go to bed for teaching, and someone who's not at a basketball game when you need them most.   Someone to tell you that you HAVE to go to choir.  Someone to make sure you drink some water during the day instead of just Sunkist.  Someone to tell you to stop knitting headbands and get a life!  You see people gathering up to go to a birthday party, and you're not invited, even though you were the year before.  I want to be out there! There's the group that always hangs out at a 'cool mom's house, and you wonder why you never qualified.  There's the feeling that you aren't good enough to be 'out there' as well, that makes you give up your call back spot in the musical.  Seniors should have that spot anyway, even if you do have a great voice.  

If I didn't know better, I'd say God is pretty fed up with me.  What with my ignoring, not recognizing, and forgetting, He should be.  But I know He's not.  Tara Nichols really helped me out by sending "The Gospel in Disney."  I can read a sermon on a Disney movie!! Can you believe it?! It was Cinderella that got me last night. "And yet, through it all, Cinderella remained ever gentle and kind, for with each dawn she found new hope that someday her dreams of happiness would come true."   How does she do that? I'd really like to know. I'd like to be able to do that.  There was also a quote in my new devotional that rather made me more depressed, but it was good none-the-less.  "When you come alive, every day is the most beautiful day and every breakfast is the best meal you have ever tasted.  You struggle to fall asleep because you'd rather keep going.  You wake up before your alarm clock goes off because you can't wait to get back at it.  You know what you're doing has a purpose.  It matters. You matter." After I read that I got a false sense of peace.  Then I realized I don't remember if I ever felt like that.  And it made me feel worse.  And I don't know really how to fix that.  It's Quasimodo that gets me tonight, however.  

I have a lot of blessings, I really do, and work is one in disguise.  I hate that I always have to close, and that my feet always hurt when I'm done.  I hate Tuesday Truck Day.  I hate when customers don't think I know anything because I look 5 years younger than I am.  But I do love finding the perfect combo of mat and frame to finish off their piece of art.  I love hearing their stories of how they found it or why they have it.  I like it when I get asked my opinion on a craft project and I know exactly what to tell them to make sure it goes well.  I know why the ink is smearing on the ceramic tiles, and I know what glue to use.  I know what style frame you want, and I know why the purple would look silly.  I know the right kind of paint for 10-13 year olds to use on ornaments.  I really am rather made for this job.  I feel terrible having to quit.  I can't work at all after break starts and my paraprofessional starts.  I thought I'd just pretend that I'd go back to work.  Just to keep the door open.  But I also wonder what would happen if I didn't.  Would I ever get out of this room? Would I talk to anyone? How about those nice pay checks every two weeks? Those are pretty nice! As much as I'd like that extra time to paint or other fun stuff, I know I'd have plenty of that if I'd get off my butt DURING my real free time.  It's a prayer request that I hope you can all help me out with.  I hope to go back in February.  But I was going to explain about Quasimodo, and I better before I forget.

Quasimodo wanted to get out there.  He wanted to live among the millers and the weavers and their wives.  I want to live among the students too.  But the difference between us is... Quasimodo did it.  He got out there! He paid dearly for it, but didn't he triumph in the end? He got rid of the evil that was holding him back.  The only thing is, the evil in my life is myself.  God knows that.  My sinful nature isn't really the type that is stereotypically bad.  But it is very very bad.  I need to be more like Quasimodo.  I need to get out there.  Even if it is by myself, at least I've left the confines of my room.

Quasi also made a friend.  Yeah, there was a bit of a love triangle, but ultimately, Esmeralda was his friend.  She understood about outcasts.  About how he felt.  And I got that same gift tonight, and I'm not going to let that go.  I'm not going to mention her name, cause I don't know if she'd appreciate that.  But I've known this gal for about a year now.  I was so excited to meet her the first time, because she was a 20 year old in freshman dorms like me! But we were both loners and we were both rather closed off in our rooms.  But tonight, she texts me and asks to hang out.  I had yet to block myself out to the world, so I was like, 'sure!' And we got to watch "Hook" together and just have small talk.  It was really great! After we talked about more serious stuff, and I found out she is having the same year I was, and still am.  We both refuse to go to the caf, because we can't stand the idea of having to eat there alone.  We both are talented artists that can't really decide what the heck they're doing with their majors.  We both had our old friends leave us, and pretend to stay.  As I was sitting there listening to her spill out her fears and sadness, I couldn't help but thinking that this was finally an answer to my many, many months of prayers.  I just want to thank God for finally giving me a person to talk to, that's not going to brush off my sadness, or tell me I'm being silly.  I do have a slight guilty feeling that I'm gaining from her pain, but isn't that the 'what if your blessings come from raindrops?' song?  I'm being blessed by her tears, really.  I am so very thankful that God send her to my room.  I hope that we can start a real friendship.  One that I've been waiting for for three years now.  You know, one of those college friendships that everyone makes up fairytales about but are never real? That would be nice.  Then I'd really feel like I was living one day "Out There."

Walt Disney the Artist

Lindsay Lindaman

11/5/12

Art History

Research Paper

“I only hope that we don’t lose sight of one thing- that it was all started by a mouse.”  Walt Disney is quoted with saying that, but I am here to let the world know that it was always so much more than a mere mouse.  There is a great deal more than fairy dust and “bibbidi bobbidi boo.” A very great deal more.  And the Disney Company is still around to prove that they can go the distance!
There is something magical about animation, and not specifically Disney magic either.  Its possibilities are endless.  Through art history we see many well known artists struggle or strive to show movement in their paintings.  How amazed would they be to see that it can be a reality?  Moving subjects and scenes! The grass can blow in the wind as gusts tear across the countryside, while we look at a bustling little village below.  Van Gogh would have been amazed at the lengths his paintings could go.  Boccioni would have loved to make his statues move for real, rather than their pretend state, by my way of thinking.  There are countless numbers of artists that based their art on the idea of movement.  I’ve never been able to understand how animation has never honestly been a contender in the artistic community.  But it was never brought to such heights as its work with Walt Disney.
Disney started drawing at a young age for amusement.  He once made a flip book for his little sister, Ruth, while she was ill.  She loved the moving pictures and would look at the little book all the time.  While his father was a hard, though loving man, it was his mother that gave young Disney his spot on sense of humor.  He loved them both very much, and though they never believed in his cartooning dreams, he was going for it.  He got into animation while he was living in Kansas City, and stumbled across the book Animated Cartoons: How They Are Made, their Origins and Development. Walt said later, “Everyone has been remarkably influenced by a book, or books.  In my case it was a book on cartoon animation... The book told me all I needed to know as a beginner” (Williams 21).  He got it in his head that this was going to be what he’d do for a living.  He made up his own studio, and taught others what to do, even though he had little knowledge himself.  He started Laugh-O-Gram Studios with barely a cent to his name, and with his salesman skills, brought many others to his cause.  The main production from this studio was the “Alice Comedies,” based on the adventures of Alice in Wonderland.  It’s also said to have inspired Mickey Mouse, though he was created later.  

Regardless of Disney’s cartoons as being referred to some as childish, unrefined doodles, Disney and his artists are very aware of art history, and that is where much of his defense comes from.  Sleeping Beauty’s style was much influenced by the Unicorn Tapestries of the 15th century, along with the Belles Heures du Duc de Berry or the Book of Hours by the Limbourg brothers. The head of this film, Eyvind Earle, filled his living quarters with large and detailed paintings inspired from Durer, Van Eyck, and Brueghel, “but with a modernist twist in that the images were more abstract and less realistic and three-dimensional than typical Disney work” (Gabler 558).  The magic of Disney has almost always been based on the facts of the time period and the nature of the characters.  It has to be believable.  Yet Walt Disney was friends with the avant garde artists of that time, such as Salvador Dali, and once had Frank Lloyd Wright come to teach his animators a class on artistry.  He was not ignorant of what the world of art was doing, but he had his own ideas.  His goal was not to be one of them, one of the ‘art names,’ but that does not mean he wasn’t.  He was a masterful storyteller.  Anyone who was alive to know him would agree.  One of his animators, Ward Kimball, was quoted in saying, “Walt was the best story man in the studio.  No one else ever approached him.” And that’s how he originally sold his idea for Snow White.  He called a select number of his animators to the stage, and acted out his entire vision for the first full length animated movie, voices and all.  After seeing what a cartoon of that length could look like, the animators were all for it.  Isn’t a storyteller what a great amount of artists strive to be?  It may never be the easily understood story of fairies and pixie dust, but that does not mean it is not a story.  The Renaissance artists painted religious scenes.  Though many and myself believe the Bible to be a factual book, isn’t it still a story? Each of those crucifixion paintings tells a story of the cost of sin, and many times the pain of a mother.  The paintings by Titian and others depicting the Roman and Greek gods also tell stories of powerful immortals that have terrific adventures.  These same stories were taken up by Disney’s company long after his death in Hercules.  Look at Picasso’s Guernica. It was done in a response to a terrible bombing in Spain in the town named by the artist.  It’s a ‘horrible’ depiction of the populace of that town and the terrible outcome of such a pointless bombing.  While Disney’s view on bombings was not quite as forward as Picasso’s, (“If people would think more of fairies they would soon forget the atom bomb” 481) but his presence in the storytelling isn’t any less so.  His films have brought along every emotion imaginable, from the deep sadness of watching Bambi wandering the forest searching for his mother that will never return, to the deep sympathy for Mr. Banks in Mary Poppins, who was so caught up in the world that he could not see that he was missing some of the most precious moments of his children’s lives.  There were also the great celebration moments of Cinderella living happily ever after, and the sweet homecoming of Wendy in Peter Pan. They are all beautiful stories of the struggles and joys of life, just like all of art before.  

Film is another aspect of Disney you could find issues with.  It’s not pen and paper.  It’s not even a statue, or paint and canvas for that matter.  How could we look at this as art? But then you would forget the grand number of painted cells it takes to make even a single second of an animated feature.  It takes about 10-24 drawings to make even one second of film.  This also explains why the original films took so long to be produced and released.  In Sleeping Beauty, these drawings can be taken right out of the movie and be framed and displayed.  The artists remarked upon that fact as well, that you could take any place in the film and pull out a full piece of art.  But its been ignored by the knowledgeable critics that make a difference in the intellectual world.  “Because his art does not fall into any one of  those traditional categories which we have learned to accept as particularly ‘fine’ - examples of which we have pursued over the face of the earth and wherever possible acquired for incarceration in our national mausoleums- it has been presumed that it is outside the range of legitimate criticism” (Feild 11). Robert Feild lost his art position at Harvard for his book, “The Art of Walt Disney,” and the ideas he expressed in this quote, believe it or not.   It was a hot topic, which is rather shocking for the relatively new fans of Disney pieces.  

Not all believed in the fantasy land of Disney.  A columnist in the Gazette reported that among the high class critics, they believed that his films “didn’t deserve recognition as art simply because ‘his work appeals to the masses’” (Watts Pg 126). In a review of a 1940’s Disney film, the Los Angeles Times reporter, Arthur Miller, had great problems with the “notion, which as been much propagandized during [the last] decade, that ‘the people’ are the immediate and infallible judges of art and that what they don’t take straight to their bosoms is spinach” (Watts 126).  Even though they loved him, sometimes Disney’s family was against his seemingly eccentric plans.  When Walt Disney came to his partner and brother, Roy Disney, about making the first full length animated feature, Roy straight up told him to stick to shorts.  Lillian Disney, his wife, also was rather against the idea.  Hollywood was just waiting for Disney to fail with Snow White.  He played polo with the big names of live action films, and they were rather excited to see the ‘Little King’ get knocked down a peg or two.  There were enough good reviews in his lifetime to make Disney happy, however. One of Disney’s biggest fans was Gilbert Seldes, who was a film critic.  He believed Disney was an absolute artistic genius.  In many different articles and reviews, he titled Disney’s creativity represented in his films as “the perfection of the movie.” He also said that his work “offered proof that the movies, as an art, are pure gold” (Watts 129).  Seldes worried, however, that Disney would fall into that trap of ‘trying’ to make it art.  Seldes believed that “that would be tragic, because at its best Disney’s work  was ‘a lively art that also reaches greatness, a degree of perfection in its field which surpasses our best critical capacity to analyze and which succeeds at the same time in pleasing simple folk” (Watts 129).

Bambi was one of those films.  Bambi was the fifth of the Disney animated “Classics” series.  It was released on August 13th, 1942.  It’s the coming-of-age story of a young buck and his journey into adulthood.  Disney read the book “Bambi”, and was inspired by it’s array of characters with their unique personalities.  It’s my favorite Disney movie under the artistic category. The scene about becoming ‘twitter-pated’ and Thumper’s Life Lessons are some of my most favorite moments of Disney film.  They just make you smile!  I rewatched the movie to refresh my memory, and I’m still as amazed at the beauty and artistry.  Each scene is colorized so perfectly to the mood, whether it be in the scheme or in the dramatic effects.  For instance, we have the scene where the Great Prince senses the arrival of Man in the forest. * The colors change from natural looking browns and greens to those of a more dramatic shade, like bright yellow and orange.  This adds to that sense of fear and panic very well, and it makes the viewer scared that something bad may happen.  The use and invention of the multiplane camera by Disney also added to the impenetrable depths of the character’s forest home.  Many a researcher has commented on it’s use as being brought to such a glorious state in Bambi, and is the most well known movies to have used it.  The style was brought to the studio by Tyrus Wong, a Chinese born artist.  His mixture of Western and Eastern styles appealed to the effect Disney wanted in this film, and Wong taught this style to the other animators on the team. Wong’s style is the perfect amount of detail, yet not so overwhelmingly so that it takes precedence over the animated characters.  It’s a delicate mixture of watercolor style and a fine, well-placed block of color and line.  The colors are what makes this movie unique.  It is much like the older silent films in the way the artistry and music makes the story.  There are only around 1,000 words spoken throughout the entire film.  You can see in the colors how you are to feel.  When Bambi and Faline are frolicking through the glade after Bambi wins her love, you see the mood change to one of lighthearted, young love.  The light of the moonlight on the grasses and the other twitterpated animals adds just the right touch.  The passages of time are done beautifully as well.  There’s a scene where Mother and Bambi are walking along a stream in the fall, and all you see is the reflection of them on the water.  It’s such a stunningly beautiful scene, and it’s a great way to show that the animation business can use such perspective styles as live action films can.   There is no limit to what animation can do.  One of my favorite scenes, when Friend Owl explains ‘twitterpated’, they have Friend Owl ‘walk in air’ to describe the feeling of love.  There is no other way that could have been done.  Bambi, Thumper, and Flower’s facial expressions are spot on to how a young person would react to being told of the ‘horrors’ of being twitterpated.  And this is where the excellence of a Disney film comes to life.  The care and attention given to making these characters come to life, and to have the depth of heart and character all comes from Walt Disney.  Disney called in all sorts of favors from all over to make sure his staff knew exactly what they were looking for.  He sent some on field trips to the deep forests of the east, and some to the west.  He set up a small zoo in the studio with a pair of fawns, along with ducks, rabbits, skunks, and other forest animals.  Disney wanted the characters to look as realistic as possible, yet be cartoons.  For the frozen pond scene, he called in two professional skaters for his artists to watch and learn from.  You can see how well that paid off when you see Thumper skating around the pond so perfectly; his large feet acting just as skates would.  The child actors that voiced the characters also helped the animators with the facial features.  Thumper’s reactions to his mother’s reprimands are so warmingly familiar, you can’t help but smile at the poor little mite.  They are pure genius.  Bambi’s open curiosity is also apparent in his quest to learn about this world he was born in to.  The lightning in the storm sequence is breathtaking as well.  Robert Field reported the animators were “inspiring the audience with awe by showing them the elements in conflict,” and they “wanted to make [the audience] aware of the kindred feeling that all God’s creatures share when subjected to an ordeal in common.” (Field 264). And that is one of the main artistic themes throughout the whole movie.  The whole experience can be summed up in one quote.  “A spirit is beginning to pervade the whole, linking together ideas, characters, and environment so that when the artist starts his morning’s work, he steps out of the world of everyday experience into that other world where he can share the creative process with his Maker.”  This is the spirit of Bambi.
The appeal of Disney movies, for myself, is the feel good stories.  The knowledge that even though bad things may happen, it will all be okay in the end.  There is a movie for every type of feeling, and every age.  Disney once said, “I do not make films primarily for children.  I make them for the child in all of us, whether they be six or sixty.”  It is a very famous quote, and I believe it completely.  When there is a point that a person just misses being a child, Peter Pan may start to play in their mind.  They may think of the fun of nursery games and how they wish they never had to grow up.  When you are weary of other people and their attitudes, Mary Poppins comes to light.  They may think of how sadly blinded Mr. Banks is, and see hope that others may become aware of their misdeeds or of how lonely they are.  When dreams become so far in the distance that you do not know if you will ever reach them, Cinderella comes to lend a helping hand.  Even though she is under stronger shackles than many a dreamer, she still holds on to that one day when her dreams of freedom will come true.  Though Walt Disney never intended to change our way of thinking.  He meant to entertain.  Reid passionately pours out, “Their appeal is to the common man.  And it is in the common man that the child endures.”  The art of these movies makes those moments come to life, no matter how talented the actors or the musicians. The audience reaction is what makes them works of art.  As Mary Poppins would say, when there’s nothing else to say... supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.

Works Cited

Feild, Robert. The Art of Walt Disney. New York: Western Printing and Lithographing Company, 1942.
Gabler, Neal. Walt Disney: The Triumph of the American Imagination. New York: Random House Inc., 2006.
Watts, Steven. The Magic Kingdom: Walt Disney and the American Way of Life. Boston: Houghton Mifflin Company, 1997.
Williams, Pat. How to be like Walt: Capturing the Disney Magic Every Day of Your Life. Deerfield Beach, Florida: Health Communications Inc., 2004.

Reflection

Who is that girl I see
Staring straight back at me?
Why is my reflection someone
I don't know?
Somehow I cannot hide who I am
Though I've tried
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?
    "Reflection", Mulan

I've tried to write this post three times in the past couple of weeks.  It's taken on a new perspective in the last fifteen minutes.  This was my favorite song, and my 'go to' song when I was in early high school.  But now I can't help but be amazed at the shallowness of it.  And it's all because of this book. "The Perks of being a Wallflower." 

It all really begins yesterday.  I had spent an hour and a half looking at hair styles, because my hair had to go.  It was so split up that any time I left it straight it looked like straw.  Sarah and me decided that that was the perfect occasion to have that roommate weekend we'd talked about all year.  I also decided that I was going to cut my hair off in a style similar to Emma Watson, whom I love! Ever since I had the choice of how my hair looked, it's been long.  I love french braids, I love ponytails, I love long hair.  Mine just got to the point that it just did not look nice.  Depending on the ending result of my hair, we would see "Perks of being a Wallflower" or "Wreck-it Ralph."  "Perks" if I felt like Emma Watson, and "Ralph" if I was sad and needed some animated Disney.  I felt like Emma.

Now, this isn't my typical movie with fairy dust and smiling faces.  This is a deep movie.  It talked about drugs, sex, and a lot of words that just aren't in my vocabulary, though I am aware of their presence in this world.  This kid, Charlie, had something bad happen to him when he was really small.  Really bad. And he'd have these thoughts come back to him from it, though he didn't remember what had happened.  He didn't any friends, because his only one had committed suicide months prior to his first year of high school.  You just have to see it.  I know other readers have said it, and all the readers to come, but I really felt like Charlie.  I have felt like Charlie.  Charlie is a wallflower.  He sees things. He keeps quiet about them. And he understands. I've met very few people like that, but there is one person like that.  His name is Ethan Richie and he has been my best friend for 4 years, even though we haven't had a real conversation in about a year.  I think he's a wallflower too.  

I had to buy the book after I watched the movie.  I had to finish it.  I didn't put it down once.  Read it straight through.  And when I was done, I just sat there and held it to my forehead. Not thinking or feeling or moving.  There was no music playing, no Castle episode to watch.  There was nothing but the sound of our fan.  This is a random thought, but I also realized that I have never appreciated the sound of silence.  And why I'm so scared of it.  

I had really, really bad days in high school.  Some of those days I blocked out, and they'll come to revisit me sometimes when I have a moment to myself, or as I'm driving.  And I wonder about that person I was back then.  That Lindsay was so sure that she had things figured out and that what she wanted was right.  Three VCBC summers later, plus college, and now Lindsay knows that she knows nothing, and she's ok with that.  But no matter how bad the days were, I was always busy.  I always had something that I had to finish or people I had to see or places I had to go.  Then when college came, I had such a new world I was trust into.  People acted so stupid.  I couldn't stand it.  Charlie is like that.  He watches people, and he understands them.  He can look at someone and see that there's more to them than the surfaces; the reflections. He comments on different people all through the book.  Why they drink.  Why they hit their children.  I do that.  I've always had a wild imagination, and I've never really been able to explain it until today.  It's not the artistic imagination I always think I should have, though I feel it when I paint a person's face.  I saw all those kids my first semester at Simpson, and couldn't help but wonder what it would take to be like them.  What would have to happen to me to think that that was the only way to be happy.  The only way not to feel anymore.  I couldn't understand it for a very long time.  I thought about the one guy that talked to me in the music department, and I always wondered why he did it.  I wondered what was going to happen when he left school and if he'd make it big.  He would talk about his worship band he was in, but I knew he wasn't with God.  He said he was, but I knew he wasn't.  That reminds me, he never gave me back my first copy of "Crazy Love." I hope he's read it by now.  I rarely delete people on Facebook, and he's no exception.  He's engaged, and when I see his name pop up, I wonder if he decided to grow up.  He was immature when I met him, and not in a Disney way either.  There were other people too, that as I look at pictures of them, I wonder if I could have made a difference if I had stayed.  My old roommate had so many things that she was dealing with.  She'd pretend it was just water over the bridge, but I could tell.  She didn't want to have to feel the truth.  She was scared.  I took her to Cornerstone church a couple of Sundays, and we'd have great conversations, but she would never get to a point where she could let go of the box she wanted religion in.  She was scared of something she can't control.  And as I grew to hate Simpson, I searched for a new place, where people wouldn't be so screwed up.  I couldn't live among them anymore.  Their sadness affected me, and made me miss my fun times with people that were screwed up, yes, but less so. In a manageable way. I think my first night at USF is when I really started.  My keycard wasn't working so I got in as much of my stuff as I could.  Apparently that doesn't include your phone, journal, or bible.  So I sat there on the cold tile, wrapped up in a blanket, completely and utterly alone.  Scariest night of my life.  I just cried and cried and prayed.  I met a few people, but once I got back to my room, I was alone again.  It became my safety net.  I could hide in there. I didn't want anyone to see this version of me.  And I couldn't really find myself back.  That's when I turned to stories.  

       "I don't know if you've ever felt like that. That you wanted to sleep for a thousand years. Or just not exist. Or just not be aware that you do exist. Or something like that. I think wanting that is very morbid, but I want it when I get like this. 

-Charlie"

I've always been an avid reader.  I won a reward in middle school for the most pages read. 7,776.  I still remember the number.  I would have won the most books too, but Emily had read 8 chapter books, and I was reading massive novels.  I was not a happy eighth grader.  But in college those books had a purpose.  Any spare moment I was reading, or watching a movie, or surfing youtube.  Anything with a story that wasn't my own.  Mine wasn't going anywhere.  Harry Potter fanfiction was the worst.  If you've never looked those fan sites up before... do and don't.  That first freshman semester wasn't absolutely horrible, but my sophomore year was.  And it didn't help that I was in terrible pain from my ear 40% of the time, but I hid better than I ever had in my life.  I read such trash.  The fans weren't getting the characters right at all, but I still read it, because it had nothing do to with financial aid, the ER, meeting new people, or deadlines.  Now, the 'author' Northumbrian is fantastic, and I have a few favorites that I first found when I was in 8th grade, but it got to a bad bad point.  When I just could not take one more pathetic scene where Harry cries all over Ginny, I'd turn to my Tamora Pierce books, with their larger than life heroines. I'd watch movies I'd always said I wanted to watch but never did.  I always had some kind of story to turn to.  I had Taylor Swift music, I had musical music.  Which really are just stories set to music.  Anything to have something to block out the silence. The loud that had come from having friends had been muted, and I couldn't find a true replacement.  I still haven't found a permanent one, and I don't think I ever will.  One of them has deleted me off of Facebook in just this past week.  If I had allowed myself to feel, I would have cried, but there's so many things that would be worse.  Thank you, VCBC, for not allowing iPods.  To let me really reflect and grow.  

I walked over to the hill where we used to go and sled. There were a lot of little kids there. I watched them flying. Doing jumps and having races. And I thought that all those little kids are going to grow up someday. And all of those little kids are going to do the things that we do. And they will all kiss someone someday. But for now, sledding is enough. I think it would be great if sledding were always enough, but it isn't. -Charlie

I still see other people's lives before my own.  A lady in Hobby Lobby was rather snappy at me, and I was kinda terrified of her, but then I can't help but wonder what makes her the way she is.  Two of the men in the frame shop are gay, and I can't help but wonder how different their lives are.  One of them is roughly in his late 60's and the other in his 20's.  In the present climate, I can't help but wonder if one of them had it better off.  How do they handle other people? How did their parents react? Why are they the way they are? John is such a nice guy.  He's invited me to put my art in a show in a couple weeks.  I want to know why his art shows what it does.  I want to know why.  I understand.   I understood when my best friend was crying in front of the Lodge from a scrapped up heart.  I understood when she just needed to be alone and color.  To not feel anything for a moment.  Or just to think more clearly.  I have both effects happen when I color. I understood when my favorite person in the whole world was crying into my shoulder because she realized she had never done anything in return.  And I didn't want anything in return.  I think about ex boyfriends.  Not in a 'i miss you' sense, but in a 'i wonder what will happen to you now'.  The one I silently thank for teaching me that not everyone in the world is truthful, and for giving me a subject that I am passionate about teaching young women, and for making me so mad that I had to prove to myself that I could paint detail and that I could have a voice made for solos.  The other I thank for showing me that you can actually enjoy being in a relationship, no matter how short it was.  I wonder about the first boy, and if he talks to other girls about me like he talked about his first girls.  I wonder if they'll always feel like they're compared to the last one.  Because of those talks I will never ever go back to having blonde hair.  I wonder about the second, and I hope he's feeling appreciated now.  I don't think he ever felt appreciated by anyone before.  I saw the boys not giving him the call when they were out playing basketball.  I knew of the comments people said about him.  But he wasn't like that at all.  I see that worn out woman that doesn't know why she does what she does.  I see her and think that she doesn't have much hope left.  That's what I see, though if you were to talk to her she would deny it and say she's just fine.  I see the man starting to turn out just like his father, and hating it.  He feels like the world is against him, but yet loves his family so much.  The combination is what gets him in trouble.  I see that boy that has no self esteem, and will not be himself.  Completely himself.  He gets mad at the world for the troubles he's been given, but can't look past it to see that others might need him more than he realizes.  I saw the tears in my favorite track star's eyes, but knew she did not want to talk, for risk of crying more. I saw the smile as the cover up that it was.  My mom's been in a bad way for the last few weeks.  When I went home for Fall Break she was limping so bad and had to hold onto the counters to walk through the kitchen.  I couldn't let go of that image for day afterword.  I had to be at Hobby Lobby that next Tuesday for truck day, and that moment just stands out vividly in my memory.  I was stocking stamps, and this elderly couple comes by, the husband pushing the wife in a wheel chair.  They had what had to be their grandson walking along side.  And I almost burst into tears right in the middle of my shift.  Because I couldn't help but see my parents in that image, and my mind just spun.  How disastrous that would be.  Then what would they do without my sister home... Charlie and me have a lot in common.  His bad stuff isn't my bad stuff, but we understand that.  My favorite thing he says, at the end of the book, is this: 

   

                   “I think that if I ever have kids, and they are upset, I won't tell them that people are starving in China or anything like that because it wouldn't change the fact that they were upset. And even if somebody else has it much worse, that doesn't really change the fact that you have what you have.”

                  

I still turn to stories, which I think is why I'm so reflective right now, in the silence.  When it's quiet you really can think truer than you can with music.  At least in this moment I can, right now.  I'm wondering about the word infinite.  In the book, Charlie said that in this moment, they were infinite.  Have you ever felt those moments? Those are the moments you look back on when you want to feel happy again, but many times they just make you sad because you know their gone. 

And while I had this rough idea in my head before, this book has defined my next print for class.  I was going to tell you about it, but now I think I won't.  I've explained it to Katie and my mom, but Katie wasn't there for the black, and my mom doesn't think I should include any of the black.  I'm not going to explain that sentence.  Isn't that what art is all about? 

“And in that moment, I swear we were                           
       infinite <3” 

If I Never Knew You

If I never knew you I'd be safe but half as real Never knowing I could feel A love so strong and true I'm so grateful to you I'd have lived my whole life through Lost forever If I never knew you
 -"If I Never Knew You," Pocahontas

     I'm not writing about a new love that's suddenly sprung up in my life, but an old one that never leaves, and continues to bless in so many ways.

This week was my midterm week, and I was in a panic.  I had no idea how I was going to take care of all my responsibilities and yet get to sleep.  I'm kinda a bear if I don't get enough sleep.  My Sunday was taken up by an incredibly long Events Team meeting that lasted from 4 in the afternoon to 8 that night.  It was more of an orientation of new expectations and review, and though it felt unnecessary for me, personally, it was a requirement

and I did get paid.  I'll deal with that! But I also had a test the next day, and I had to fit in painting time on the USF logo, drive to Outback Steakhouse to ask for a donation (fourth attempt... I'm great), and take a Art History Quiz that night,  not to mention class.  Oh! And a Government paper! I was rather stressed.  I'm the kind of person that the amount of things stresses me out far more than the actual item.  I have a mental list of at least 4 days worth of life requirements constantly going through my head, then I'll randomly start contemplating the next big steps for myself, like this next summer.  

The funny thing is, is that when Monday came, I requested to my voice teacher that we skip lessons, seeing that I just simply wasn't ready, and I promised to make it up soon.  She was still rather stoked that I had performed at the first departmental, so I was absolutely fine in that.  Got to studying with the (sort of?) help of Katie on Skype.  Actually, I believe I ranted, in a joking way, on how I never will care what a carb is and how I didn't want to study it.  The test wasn't atrocious, and I got out of there in good time.  I painted for about an hour and a half, and then ran back to my room for my favorite show, Castle.  

I have two shows.  Castle and Glee, and those are about the only scheduled shows that I don't miss.  I was watching the Breaking Amish show, but they just make me mad.  I don't like people making obviously stupid mistakes on TV.  I see enough people do that in my hometown and at school to like it.  But I do like talking about it with Katie and my roommate Sarah.  Anyway, I was trying to read for my Art History quiz during the commercials, and it wasn't working too well.  Then after Castle was the coverage on the man that was being given the death penalty that night.  It was so fascinating to watch the coverage.  I have opinions on all that, but I don't want to get into it on here.  This will be long enough as it is!! Anyway, it's getting later, and I decide that I will just take the online quiz once and see how I do.  I can take it twice, and we can use the book, but it's over 5 chapters, and has very obscure information, in my opinion.  So I start.  I'm timed at 45 minutes, and when I finish, I check my score.  26/30! On my first go! I guessed on a bunch! That's a better score than the one I spent several hours high-lighting my book!! I quit then and there! I'm not taking it again, I'm proud of that score! It was a HUGE relief when that happened, and I honestly threw up a thanks to God for that small amount of peace I was given.  I threw together my Government paper, which wasn't hard at all.  I have a gift with papers.  LOVE writing them.  I needed to make sure I printed my SSN for my first day at Hobby Lobby, so I printed both, and even got to bed before 12:30am.  An amazing feat for a college student, let me tell you!

Tuesday I was just as stressed.  I was to have my first day at Hobby Lobby, and I didn't know  how long it would take to get there.  Driving will always make me nervous.  That semi accident really has never left the back of my mind, and I dwell on how easy it is while I'm driving from time to time.  I asked my choir professor if I could leave early and he gave me permission.  I got there 20 minutes early, and just chilled in my van until then.  It was so weird.  I had no idea what was going on.   First Darrel, my boss, comes in and says there's good news and bad news.  I started to panic that he was going to have me work over 4 State and miss my friends, but instead he tells me I"m going to work in framing rather than cashier!! I was really happy with that! I'm not excellent with numbers, and I'd hate to mess up someone's payment.  People aren't nice when money is involved.   Framing is also something my high school and college professor said was a good thing to know for your own art.  Another blessing.  But it was truck day, and I was sent to unpack boxes for a long time.  I need to remind myself always to eat before or bring a snack, cause that was AWFUL! I was so hungry I had a headache.  I had a Psych test the next day, so as soon as I got back to school I got my handy-dandy pizza maker and a Tombstone Extra Cheese Pizza, and got to work.  I had no idea how to find the answers to this study guide.  Our professor gives us the questions on the test, and if we remember the order of the answers we find and what they are, we're golden.  I did really bad on the first one because I could not get the answers.  I have an old edition of the book and it makes it challenging sometimes, besides the fact that he's not an excellent teacher.  Nice guy, but can't teach.  I'm sitting there, and my friend Denise comes in, and I offer her some of my pizza.  We're chatting, when her roommate comes in, and we're chatting, and Psych comes up.  Her and a couple other people got together and found all the answers.  So she hands me all the answers to the test.  She saved me 7 + hours of searching and making it up.  HUGE BLESSING.  Then I found out the printer had been out of paper since the previous evening, so I felt doubly blessed that I had gotten things done early enough that I wasn't running all over campus for paper, which would have probably make me cry with stress if it had happened.  

The test went fine the next morning, and work that night was just as boring, but I got to meet some neat people, and see what a real day will be like.  I'm pretty sure I will like it.  I will probably tell more as I learn about the processes.  The next day was make up of just classes, work, and then making Alison and Autumn's birthday presents.  I made Katie's the night before.  

I was thinking, Wednesday night, when I originally started this post, how absolutely blessed I've been.  Little things like paper in the printers, kind people and other students, little girls in gyms that tell you your pony tail is pretty, really just bless me beyond belief.  Sometimes I think I pray just to do it.  That I 'think' it will make it better, but when it 'doesn't' I don't bat an eye.  Each day though, it was like another weight was lifted off my shoulders until all I could do was do a happy dance around my room! I was free!! 

4 State was really great! It was so nice to see everyone.  I had breakfast dishes both mornings and Saturday afternoon was spent in the craft room.  Me and Katie goofed around and I got to rock my new Bambi shirt for the first time! My sister and her friends came Saturday morning with my dad, and it was just a great reunion.  It was a rush to leave, because Val wanted to be back for a basketball thing she didn't even go to.  I had to get a picture with Autumn though.  When making her present, I found that there wasn't a single picture taken of just me and her! That was a gross injustice to our friendship, so it had to change.  And it did! Camie commented on my pictures, and it was a great compliment from a great photographer.  I wanted to make sure to get some good ones at camp times other than the summer.  My art show is counting on me! :)  Sue's also given me a fun project.  Fun secrets!! You'll all love it :D.

If I never knew You, I would never felt this love.  Never know that I could feel a love so strong and true.  At different points I was just humbled by the love I've been shown.  Not that I'm not shown the same amount of love at low points, but the evidence of this love was just so strong that it couldn't be passed of.  I'd been given a job, several in fact, and I hadn't messed up any school paperwork.  I had been able to hang out with people from school rather than sitting in a lonely part of my mind, contemplating all the wrongs that have been handed me.  I found a church that I really like, thanks to Stacy Bender, and they are interested in me as a person and college student rather than just a random number.  Even though Facebook is a silly thing to make you happy, I've been getting so much encouragement from it as well!  I also include my dear friends of VCBC in this.  If I never knew you, Katie, Alison, Autumn, and so many others, I think I would have forgotten what real friendship was like.  I don't think anyone but Bethany can understand what I'm talking about, and I know the other best friends I have now been blessed with will never understand fully why I'm always trying to talk with them and send them cute pictures about friendship.  As silly as I make them, or as cheesy as they seem, I am almost always meaning those things in a completely and 100% honest way.  I do love my friends that much.  It may just be the golden retriever in me, but I am never going to stop being the kind of friend these amazing people deserve. 

 I really hope and pray that these happy times continue.  It's been a great long stretch! And I have great things coming up!

Where Do I Go From Here

But where do I go from here?  So many voices ringing in my ear.  Which is the voice that I was meant to hear?  How will I know?  Where do I go from here?     -"Where Do I Go From Here," Pocahontas 2: Journey to a New World

I've tried to write this titled blog post for a while, but it always sounded depressing.  I think I've got a handle on it now, though the song still fits my present living.

A lot of good has happened in the last... while since I've last written.  I can't even begin to express how better this year has been compared to the previous one.  While talking to my mom, she condemned me for saying it, but I've kinda been waiting for it to go bad.  I usually don't go this long without something unfortunate happening to me.  Blessings, blessings!

Most recently, I got a job!! I went in to an interview with Hobby Lobby yesterday, and I didn't expect him to hire right on there, but he did!  As soon as he started going over my availability, I thought it was doomed, but he said I seemed to be a good enough girl and with my skills in the arts and crafts area, I was sure to do well there.  He was a really nice guy, and I am so glad I got the job.  I needed a better income.  Yet, there are downsides.  I have to work Black Friday and that next Saturday. Saturday is the day I have the tickets to see Beauty and the Beast.  While the employer, Darrel, said that he'd try to make that work out,  I still live 4 and a half hours from Sioux Falls, and my grandma lives an extra 2 and a half past that... Ouch.  And then to drive back?? I'm really hoping this works out.  Also, this next coming weekend is the 4 State retreat.  I might have to work.  I'm also hoping we can work something out, but during my interview Darrel did say he couldn't make too many exceptions... Oh Lordy! I really hope it works out! It takes 5 and a half hours to get to camp from here, and I've been looking forward to this retreat for MONTHS.  I don't count these situations as bad things.  After the ear issues I had last year, it takes more than a few missed entertainments to make me really upset.  I still hope it works out.

This leads me to a special thing that Autumn has set up.  She made a prayer group on Facebook with a couple of her close friends, me included.  We post our prayer requests, and she added a thing she learned at camp this summer, of commenting the exact time you prayed.  I think it's helped all of us out a lot.  I can't wait to see her! She's one of the most caring and beautiful people I've ever met!! She is a star :).

Another great thing that has happened is that I got a painting job! The athletic department needed the school logo painted on the wall above the bleachers in the gym.  The pay is great and I'm doing something I love, though my poor neck doesn't love the angle.  It's going well, and I hope to be done with it sometime next week.  The paint is really cheap though, so it will take a couple layers.  This is what I had after finishing up last night.  I still need to outline the white in black, and fill it in with purple.  And finish spelling 'Sioux Falls' of course.  Plus layers... a lot of work.

I also have started on a rather awesomely huge project.  For Art History we have to do a massive research paper, and I'm doing 'Art and Disney's Sleeping Beauty.'  Laugh all you want, but I'm quite serious on it.  I spent hours this week reading up on Walt Disney, and I'm even more sure that my future husband needs to be like him! I've also realized I'm quite a bit like him.  That's a whole other blog post, however :).  I'm slightly frustrated with my professor though, because she isn't very supportive of it.  See, there's something called the Undergraduate Research Conference, and I want to present my findings.  It looks great on a resume, and it will happen next spring.  I'm beyond excited, but my professor has made it known that she doesn't like Disney.  I'm going to present that Disney movies are true artworks, by using the movei that relates most to art history, Sleeping Beauty.  Not my favorit princess movie, but a good one none the less.  Every time I talk to Nancy about it though, she keeps telling me I have to have scholarly sources.  I have 5 books on the subject! "Well, they have to be scholarly." THEY'RE BOOKS! Gosh, she drives me nuts.  One of the authors was a Harvard art professor! How much more scholarly can you get!? I hope my presentation will help her to open her mind.  She's ripped mine open all the time about modern art, so it's about time I return the favor... in a kind way of course.

I feel like I'm missing something... Ah! The meaning of my title!! Where do I go from here?  It's a song that pops into my head quite a bit when I'm beyond overwhelmed or lacking direction.  The first time I tried this title I had a lack of direction.  Once I again reminded myself that God's got my life on a direction that's better than I could ever imagine.  This time I'm overwhelmed.  With the week I've had, it's no wonder.  Monday night/Tuesday morning I was up til 3:30 studying for Government, failed the Art History quiz that next day because of government, started the painting job, had my interview, failed twice at my print in Printmaking, sang for departmental, did a lot of research... Long week.  The overwhelmed part comes into play when I realized how full my schedule now is.  It brings forth feelings of panic to look at my calendar that, if it included everything, would be so colorful you'd think I drew a rainbow.  How am I to do all the things I could do but didn't do before? I now have a job that's not near as understanding as my Events Team job. (which I still have, by the way) I have choir performances, musical performances I HAVE to attend for points, homework, studying, general cleaning, painting the gym, trying to be a better artist for Disney's Internship Program, and while also trying to grow in Christ. There's tons of things I haven't mentioned, but I'm not going to try to list everything that worries me.  God's got that taken care of, but it wouldn't hurt to have the prayers of my friends and such.  For calmness. For my boss to understand my commitments.  For joy in my blessings.   It's all helpful.

I love you guys and I can't wait to see many of you soon!! Hopefully!

PS: Katie, just thought you should know, my butt went to sleep typing this.  Are you proud?!

So This is Love

So this is love,  
Mmmmmm,  So this is love.  So this is what makes life divine     -"So This is Love," Cinderella

Bahahaha! No! I'm not in love! At least, not the kind of love you're probably thinking of! But this is the song I was thinking of in my quiet time last night.  That may or may not be because Cinderella came out in it's Diamond Edition today. (Of course I bought it!) But it also goes along with my thought process very well.

It's been really hard for me to think of a blogging topic the last... week and a half? Two weeks? I don't like complaining, and I was in a down stretch for that time, and didn't want to cloud the Internet with my grey thoughts.  But things have gotten really interesting the last few days! The University of Sioux Falls is hosting the South Dakota Supreme Court! According to my Government professor, this is a huge honor.  According to my art professor, she just puts up with it.  For my music instructors, they hate it with a passion.  That may or may not be because they are locked out of their offices for the judges security until 5 PM.

It's been truly fascinating to witness these cases.  Monday was the first day of court, and I, as an Event Team member, was working two of the cases as a 'Balcony Usher.'  Too bad no one sat in the balcony! The first case I saw was about a man who was making child porn.  The issues with the case were that the IP address was supposed to be private and the police should have had a warrant I believe, and the other was that the public wasn't allowed inside in the original session.  I was confused as to why this was important to have a case on it until I did my Government reading and talked to my professor today.  It's all about rights.  I am very fascinated.  No wonder Bri Turner gave up her Opera major for this!

The second case I saw was the big one.  It was a murder case.  Two convicts in the penitentiary were charged with the murder of one of the guards in a botched escape attempt.  It was SO INTERESTING!! The lawyers were really good and it was not at all boring to watch.  The defense and the plaintiff both shared very different sides of this man, the once high school freshman (first time he was in jail) and now death row, to the man who shot several people and committed rape at gun point, which is why he was in the penitentiary this last time.  Very different views on the man.  The verdict is  supposed to be reached this Thursday.  They want to do this as quickly as possible, because the other man who was involved is receiving the lethal injection later this month.  I have no idea how they are going to reach a decision on this.  The other man that is on death row is a beastly person.  He wanted the death sentence.  He made a statement that he would kill the juror if that would help.  Straight up.  He was a nasty piece of work.  My professor is a criminal justice professor, so she knows all the details of the cases.  The problem with the other man was that he was fighting for his life, unlike the man fighting to die.  They believed his case was riding on the tail of the other.  He and the lawyer team, want him tried as a separate person.  Which would possibly be better for him.  The head lawyer also claimed that they were not informed that a piece of evidence was going to be evidence.  He felt he could have been better prepared if he know this.

I'm obviously very into this.  But as I was writing up my journal, I was pondering what I thought of the death penalty.  It's never been something on my radar.  I'm pretty sure Iowa doesn't have it anymore.  But I really thought about this specific case.  My Uncle Randy is a prison guard at Oakdale in Iowa City, and I may be wrong, but I think it's one of the most dangerous ones.  I thought of that guard, that was beaten so badly that his brain was showing through his skull, and I thought of it as my Uncle Randy.  I love my uncle very much, and I was very bothered by the idea.  It then popped into my head that God still loved these two men.  He loves them very much, even though they've done such terrible things.  God loved the guard just as much.  I was floored.  I went through my thoughts, bringing forth every name I'd been thinking about and thinking how God had been with every person.  Whitney Huston was loved by God, even though she was addicted to drugs.  God was with Taylor Swift every time she ended and began a new relationship, and gave her the gift of lyrics.  God loves my friend Bethany and her family, even through their grandfather's passing.  He knows it's difficult.  God loves my roommate Sarah, even though she sometimes bothers me, as everyone does at one point.   He died for her.  He died for these men in the prisons.  He died for ever girl in my pod.  He died for my best friends.  He died for Obama.  He died for Romney.  He loves them so very much.  Have you ever thought of God loving an individual? You often hear of God's love as a universal thing that just covers all.  I've always found that hard to grasp in my heart, even though I've known it's fact.  God loves me and died for me.  But if you look at someone that everyone looks at as despicable, and know that God died for that man or woman, it's so amazing.  So this is love.  It's just so beautiful!

On a totally different line of thought, I have a few prayer requests.  I still haven't gotten another job, and it's making things a bit challenging for me.  I'm determined not to take any money from my parents this year, and I can't do that without a job that pays more often than once every 30 days.  That's a really long wait for a small pay check.  I'm hoping in the next couple of days I'll hear from Hobby Lobby.  I really want that job!! I know so much about all sorts of crafts and art, so it really would be a perfect job for me.  I'm a craft room facilitator!!! Also, I'm starting to get a sore throat, and I have my first solo performance next Monday.  I can't get sick!!!

Of course, God is good, and I know at one point (probably in a month) I will have forgotten these feelings I have now about the sickness and job search.  God's got a good plan, and I know that He loves  me enough to make sure I'm taken care of.  He loves those men on death row, so I'm pretty sure He loves me too! So THIS is LOVE!

"Stay Awake"

Since the last weekend, I've been so tired.  I'll be fine most of the day, and then I'll suddenly crash, as I've done now.  My Mickey Mouse pants are the best for these moments!!

Classes have been going well, but I still have one major problem class.  Art History.  I have to take three semesters of it to become an Art Ed major, and I've only taken one.  Shoot me.  It's not that I don't like history.  It's really the professor.  She knows a lot, but in both her talking voice and in the manner she wants us to study she leaves me floundering.  Each hour and 15 minute class is spent pouring through slides of artists in certain time periods.  The slides are always black. Always.  They're the most boring thing I've ever seen in my life.  And the way we are to look at art is to know the 7 ways this piece is a German Expressionist piece.  How is it a Post- Impressionist piece? I DON'T KNOW!! Alrighty, the book might have 3 or 4 ways to generally say it's an expressionist because of the color, or post-impressionist because of the way they've used lighting and brush strokes, but seven reasons?! She didn't even tell us 7 reasons?! :D That was on a test last year that I BOMBED.  I had NO CLUE.  I also wasn't the best student last year.  I wanted to change that this year though.  Even though I knew her way of looking at art was odd, I was still going to know the pieces and be able to make an educated guess at what she was getting at.  But I still took my quiz, with two chances, and failed it. Twice.  And I actually put effort forth to study.  But the message of this blog post isn't to complain about my teacher... much. It's to talk about my solution.  Which is quite hilarious I might add. And it all starts with my favorite time waster.  Pinterest. 

I've really missed doing crafts at camp and the full access of scrapbooking paper.  Pinterest has the best ideas and I just want to try them all! I bought a whole bunch of paper and Modge Podge and all sorts of stuff.  And I bought knitting needles and yarn.  My Grandma Kathy taught me to knit when I was.... 8? I remember being driven to school by my mom with my big ball of red yarn.  It was the first thing I had ever tried to knit and I never finished it! I found it in a drawer a couple years ago and put it out of it's misery.  But I wanted yarn and needles for two reasons.  One, it gives you something useful to do while watching TV, reading a book, or other things that don't require your hands.  Second, they make great gifts! Who doesn't want a hand knit scarf?! Or a hat? 

On Tuesday I was trying to get through another Art History class.  We were going over German Expressionism and I just could not focus.  I got on Pinterest.  My teacher called on me.  She knew I wasn't paying attention.  But I'm also very good and bull crapping my way through situations like that. After class though I was feeling bad about it and thinking how I'm not learning anything.  Then it hit me.  Knitting.  

I can always focus better when I'm messing with something in my hands.  I have an overactive imagination and the littlest comment can send me spinning off going through an entire scene where I go off and... yeah.  I'm not going to get into those because they're usually INCREDIBLY ridiculous.  But I have to have some sort of thing to focus on.  If you were to watch me in class, I've started this thing where I start twirling my hair as tight as it will go, or randomly braiding a piece.  It's to keep focused.  So I talked to my professor, and she was like, Oh. You're on Facebook aren't you.  Nope. No I'm not.  BUT I'm not paying attention.  I told her about the knitting and she was all for it as long as I didn't have to look at it to knit.  I don't need to look at my hands at all to know what I'm doing.  I don't even have to think about it to do it.  So I brought it to class today.  I have not paid that much attention since the first class last semester! ... No, I paid attention during the Renaissance part, but that's just because I like Raphael a lot.  And Michelangelo.  But really! I remember most of what we went over.  Marc was an expressionist that was killed in WW1 and he was the guy who painted the Blue Horses painting.  He also painted color symbolicly.  How's that for a little art history? You going to change your major? I don't think so.  

Anyways.  It really helped me to focus and stay awake.  Anyone want a purple scarf?

Stay awake, don't rest your head Don't lie down upon your bed While the moon drifts in the skies Stay awake, don't close your eyes                                          -"Stay Awake," Mary Poppins