"Out There"

"Out There"
Safe behind these windows and these parapets of stone
Gazing at the people down below me
All my life I watch them as I hide up here alone
Hungry for the histories they show me
All my life I memorize their faces
Knowing them as they will never know me
All my life I wonder how it feels to pass a day
Not above them
But part of them

And out there
Living in the sun
Give me one day out there
All I ask is one
To hold forever

Out there
Where they all live unaware
What I'd give
What I'd dare
Just to live one day out there

      I was rather surprised to see that I had never written a blog on this song.  It's always been one of my favorite songs. It really hit the heart of what Quasimodo was feeling, as Stephen Swartz is good at.  It's also hit me in the heart over the last two years as well.  But don't worry, this blog has a happy ending.  

After being home for Thanksgiving, it was easy to miss my family instantly.  I didn't get enough time with them.  I got plenty with my mom, though more is always welcome, but I didn't get to talk to my dad at all.  Val only a little.  So I had a bad week as far as depression goes.  While I still say that this semester has been my best semester yet, that doesn't mean I don't have small relapses.  I skimmed through 7 seasons of Boy Meets World in retaliation.  I did better at getting to my classes, but I still blocked a lot of my feelings through TV episodes.  It took a prayer drive last night to get me back on track.  

Things just get to you sometimes.  "If I could live one day out there."  Out there where people don't dream impossible dreams.  Out there where they have someone to share things with.  Out there where they all live unaware of what I'd give. What I'd give to have what they have.  I know that the grass isn't always greener on the other side.  I already got that lesson learned in the differences in a Christian college vs. Non-Christian.  But I just want someone to share the bad and the good with.  I have Katie, and my mother.  But sometimes you just want someone to hug you and tell you whether you're being silly or stupid or that it's going to be okay, or they understand. Someone who doesn't have to go to bed for teaching, and someone who's not at a basketball game when you need them most.   Someone to tell you that you HAVE to go to choir.  Someone to make sure you drink some water during the day instead of just Sunkist.  Someone to tell you to stop knitting headbands and get a life!  You see people gathering up to go to a birthday party, and you're not invited, even though you were the year before.  I want to be out there! There's the group that always hangs out at a 'cool mom's house, and you wonder why you never qualified.  There's the feeling that you aren't good enough to be 'out there' as well, that makes you give up your call back spot in the musical.  Seniors should have that spot anyway, even if you do have a great voice.  

If I didn't know better, I'd say God is pretty fed up with me.  What with my ignoring, not recognizing, and forgetting, He should be.  But I know He's not.  Tara Nichols really helped me out by sending "The Gospel in Disney."  I can read a sermon on a Disney movie!! Can you believe it?! It was Cinderella that got me last night. "And yet, through it all, Cinderella remained ever gentle and kind, for with each dawn she found new hope that someday her dreams of happiness would come true."   How does she do that? I'd really like to know. I'd like to be able to do that.  There was also a quote in my new devotional that rather made me more depressed, but it was good none-the-less.  "When you come alive, every day is the most beautiful day and every breakfast is the best meal you have ever tasted.  You struggle to fall asleep because you'd rather keep going.  You wake up before your alarm clock goes off because you can't wait to get back at it.  You know what you're doing has a purpose.  It matters. You matter." After I read that I got a false sense of peace.  Then I realized I don't remember if I ever felt like that.  And it made me feel worse.  And I don't know really how to fix that.  It's Quasimodo that gets me tonight, however.  

I have a lot of blessings, I really do, and work is one in disguise.  I hate that I always have to close, and that my feet always hurt when I'm done.  I hate Tuesday Truck Day.  I hate when customers don't think I know anything because I look 5 years younger than I am.  But I do love finding the perfect combo of mat and frame to finish off their piece of art.  I love hearing their stories of how they found it or why they have it.  I like it when I get asked my opinion on a craft project and I know exactly what to tell them to make sure it goes well.  I know why the ink is smearing on the ceramic tiles, and I know what glue to use.  I know what style frame you want, and I know why the purple would look silly.  I know the right kind of paint for 10-13 year olds to use on ornaments.  I really am rather made for this job.  I feel terrible having to quit.  I can't work at all after break starts and my paraprofessional starts.  I thought I'd just pretend that I'd go back to work.  Just to keep the door open.  But I also wonder what would happen if I didn't.  Would I ever get out of this room? Would I talk to anyone? How about those nice pay checks every two weeks? Those are pretty nice! As much as I'd like that extra time to paint or other fun stuff, I know I'd have plenty of that if I'd get off my butt DURING my real free time.  It's a prayer request that I hope you can all help me out with.  I hope to go back in February.  But I was going to explain about Quasimodo, and I better before I forget.

Quasimodo wanted to get out there.  He wanted to live among the millers and the weavers and their wives.  I want to live among the students too.  But the difference between us is... Quasimodo did it.  He got out there! He paid dearly for it, but didn't he triumph in the end? He got rid of the evil that was holding him back.  The only thing is, the evil in my life is myself.  God knows that.  My sinful nature isn't really the type that is stereotypically bad.  But it is very very bad.  I need to be more like Quasimodo.  I need to get out there.  Even if it is by myself, at least I've left the confines of my room.

Quasi also made a friend.  Yeah, there was a bit of a love triangle, but ultimately, Esmeralda was his friend.  She understood about outcasts.  About how he felt.  And I got that same gift tonight, and I'm not going to let that go.  I'm not going to mention her name, cause I don't know if she'd appreciate that.  But I've known this gal for about a year now.  I was so excited to meet her the first time, because she was a 20 year old in freshman dorms like me! But we were both loners and we were both rather closed off in our rooms.  But tonight, she texts me and asks to hang out.  I had yet to block myself out to the world, so I was like, 'sure!' And we got to watch "Hook" together and just have small talk.  It was really great! After we talked about more serious stuff, and I found out she is having the same year I was, and still am.  We both refuse to go to the caf, because we can't stand the idea of having to eat there alone.  We both are talented artists that can't really decide what the heck they're doing with their majors.  We both had our old friends leave us, and pretend to stay.  As I was sitting there listening to her spill out her fears and sadness, I couldn't help but thinking that this was finally an answer to my many, many months of prayers.  I just want to thank God for finally giving me a person to talk to, that's not going to brush off my sadness, or tell me I'm being silly.  I do have a slight guilty feeling that I'm gaining from her pain, but isn't that the 'what if your blessings come from raindrops?' song?  I'm being blessed by her tears, really.  I am so very thankful that God send her to my room.  I hope that we can start a real friendship.  One that I've been waiting for for three years now.  You know, one of those college friendships that everyone makes up fairytales about but are never real? That would be nice.  Then I'd really feel like I was living one day "Out There."