"Why Should I Worry?"

"Why should I worry?
Why should I care?
I may not have a dime
But I got street savoire faire."
             - Dodger, "Oliver and Company," 1988


Oliver and Company is a very underrated Disney movie.  It's themes of loyalty and love are beautifully portrayed, and Billy Joel did an amazing job as Dodger.  This was one of the first movies (for Disney) that had a famous person take a lead role.  Like Mandy Moore with Rapunzel's movie.  And it totally paid off.

I love that there are obvious worries that the people and the animals have in this movie.  When are they going to eat? How are they going to get enough money to pay off their debts? How can they stay together? When will Mom and Dad come back to me? How can I make things better? The plot is so real.

Worry is something every single person has felt.  What do they think of me? What should I wear? How can I make it til my next paycheck? How can I feed my kids? These questions eat at us and take us away from enjoying the life we've been given. They are normal worries.  Some of theses are silly worries, and others are serious.  But that doesn't mean that they don't all tear away at our joy.

I don't know if you've been hanging around my Facebook post lately, but we've recently had a story done on my princessing business. We were so excited when the reporter called to ask if she could do the story.  How cool is that? I mean, we're going to be on the NEWS! But yet...

Our business, and all other businesses like ours, deal with the messy business of copyright.  We try to stay under the radar.  We try to be careful.  How close can we be to the accepted version? We try to make characters our own versions, with obvious differences to separate us from other companies. We have to ask this, or else be accused of copyright infringement.  And then I will have a cease and desist letter at my door. It's a serious thing to be aware of, and it hurts me when others think we are being ignorant and stupid about the whole thing.  We're not stupid.  Believe me, we are well aware of all this.  But let's be real.  No one is going to accept a Cinderella in a green gown.

There are hundreds of these little businesses all around the US.  We are just one of them, and a very small one at that.  And we all live in constant fear of the C&D letter.  I don't believe a single one of us is in this for the money.  And there's not much money in it.  We are all about bringing joy and love to children.  But when yet another Facebook post calls you out and tells you how you're doing something horribly wrong, it hurts. It makes me sick to my stomach.  My main ladies are so worried as well, because they love this.  For some of them, it gives them a purpose, or is the one constant thing in their life.  It's something that can bring them joy in the midst of this world.  But that letter could come.

We live in constant fear.  What if this happens?

I think lots of people feel this way about certain things in life.  I know myself that I am worried about everything.  I'm worried about staying healthy, having enough money to pay my employees.  I'm worried about my different schools and how long I can keep up the circus.  I worry about certain students and how I can possibly help them when I'm not there.  I worry about how I'm going to keep up this business and teach.  I'm worried about so much.

Today the business held their auditions, and we had a great turn out! I was so happy with the list of actresses and the actor, and I wanted to see what they could do! But there comes some more worry.  My cast is made up of my friends right now.  They know me and they know how much I'm doing and they are all about keeping the business afloat.  They love me, and they loved me before all of this began.  But these new people are expecting to work.  But they won't get a lot of gigs.  They are expecting to keep this job a long time.  But it might have to end. They expect to be paid.  But if we get that evil letter, we may have to do charity work. And that's not paid.

Each and every moment is surrounded by some kind of worry.

I love when Dodger sings, "Why Should I Worry." I feel like it's a great song for his character.  Because he's got street smarts, and he knows that worrying will get you no where. He knows who he can rely on, and he knows how to rely on himself as well.  We've got someone to rely on too.

Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?- Matthew 6:26

Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father's care.  And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered.  So don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.  Matthew 10:29-31

I forget.  All the time.  I get so consumed by my worry that I forget I have someone to turn to that knows every heart.  I forget that He knows exactly what's up.  He is the God that gives and takes away, and I have to trust Him with everything I have,  That includes my business. 

Off and on I wonder if God really wants me to be doing this princess thing.  I mean, Disney has been called my obsession by a fair number of people, even though it is not.  But I'm not going to lie and say it doesn't take up a huge amount of my time.  Time I should be spending on my students and my relationship with God.  And I begin to wonder if or when God is going to take this away from me.  

God had a hand in our KELOland story.  We felt it, we know several people were praying for something to happen.  It was a God thing. And I feel like God would not have given us this opportunity just to take away everything we've worked for with something that was supposed to be good.  But that fear is still there.  What if God wants to take away the thing that drives me crazy, but brings me so much joy, and joy to others? 

But I have to trust and obey.  Because there is no other way.  

It will have to be a daily surrender.  I will have to remind myself constantly that nothing is mine.  Because I can't worry like this anymore.  And if the evil letter comes, we can find a way to still bring joy. Because we know that God loves us with or without our business, our wigs, or our costumes.  He loves that we love His children.  He will take care of us.  Not always in the way we want, but in the way we need.  And I think I can trust Him with that.  

"Why should I worry?

Why should I care?

I may not have a dime,

but I am His and He is mine. 

"To Have Someone Understand"

"And for once it might be grand to have someone understand.  I want so much more than they've got planned..."
 -Belle (Reprise), Beauty and the Beast, 1991


Before the tidal wave that was the Frozen phenomenon, many girls of our age would have said Belle was the best princess.  She had books, cleverness, and was brave.  She was beautiful, but not in a 'classic' way.  She didn't care about money or riches.  She was also able to see into the heart of the Beast, and learn to love him for everything that he is and was.  Who wouldn't want to look up to a person like that, fictional or no?

I think there's another great reason Belle was, and is, such an admired character.  She spoke words that so many girls related too.  Those smart girls that never seemed to have it all together.  The ones that wanted an "adventure in the great wide somewhere." Wouldn't it be grand to have someone understand?

I recently visited Iowa for a crazed weekend of driving and listening.  I listened a lot.  And I was struck by something that encompasses everything about humanity.  We are all searching to be understood.  We want someone to look and us and know what has happened and what we're going through and make it better.  We want someone to understand us and tell us what we did wrong, because we can't figure it out ourselves.  We want someone else to understand us so they can explain it back, because we sure can't understand ourselves.  Why do you think social media is so very popular? We are begging people to reach out and take our hands.  Someone to listen and understand.  We have statuses and tweets and blogs and reality shows and magazine articles and a million other sources into people's lives.  Doesn't anyone understand?

I think we can all claim to have that one Facebook or Twitter friend that is always posting the most over-the-top, cry-baby messages that make you want to give them a wake up call.  A reality check.  Or they're just begging to be deleted.  What I find more sad, is that they feel like they have to cry out to a computer screen to be heard.  And even though hundreds of eyes fall on that message or tweet, they still remain unreached or ignored.  All these people need is someone to understand them.  To be given time.  Some people beg for attention.  But what turned them into that?  What made them so desperate?

There was once I time I was going through a bit of a rough patch.  I was about to explain myself when this friend says, "Everyone has a sob story and I don't want to hear it."  At the time, I was first shocked by the response. Usually people that claim friendship at least pretend to listen.  Granted, I hadn't seen him in some time, but ouch! A while later I wondered if his way was the right way.  Everyone has a sob story.  Everyone has something they've gone through.  If I didn't take in the stories of these people, maybe I wouldn't hurt so much.  Maybe life would be simpler if we just continued day by day thinking of ourselves and stopped dragging behind the luggage of others.  The things we can't fix, but wish we could?

It took some time, but I now feel incredibly sorry for this boy.  He will never be able to understand someone.  He will never make someone feel understood.  He has no compassion.

This same weekend of the driving and the listening, I got to attend church with my wonderful sister. There was a sermon about empathy and compassion.  The pastor was calling for his congregation to feel compassion for others.  To not let things just slip by unnoticed.  To have empathy.  I did not get a whole lot out of the service, personally.  Compassion and empathy are things that I have been very blessed with.  I love people very much and very deeply.  It makes me very good at customer service I can tell you! When others hurt, I hurt.  When I hear people's stories I cry with them.  I remember crying with a friend in a convent garden in Italy over such a story.  News stories make me cry, some commercials make me cry, Facebook posts make me cry... I love people very, very much.  Not as much as God loves, of course, but I do my best.  But this sermon was important.  Because it reminded me that loving people is what we are called to do.  Even when it hurts.

God calls us to do this.  To love our neighbors very, very much. Jeremy Camp's "He Knows" came on the radio a couple days ago while I was thinking about understanding and this post.  I wanted to be understood, and I forgot there's already someone who understands.  All of the billions of people on this earth are understood to the very depths of their being.  They just haven't found the one who read the Facebook status before it was written.  The one who was right there in the very center.  He knows every burden and every stain.  He understands.

I wanted to write this to encourage others to reach out to people.  Don't let a day go by that you haven't taken the time to tell someone they're worth it, they're wonderful, and that you're proud of them. Life is so short.  There's a friend of mine from summer camp that was thrown from her horse and is in critical condition.  She just graduated college.  Life is so short, and you don't know when it's going to end.  Show compassion, and feel empathy.  Think about someone else.  Do something for someone else.  See the Beast's heart for what it really is, and love him.  Try to understand.  Because that's what we're called to do.

Grind at that Grindstone

"You've got to grind, grind, grind at that grindstone
Though childhood slips like sand through a seive" 

-Bert, "A Man Has Dreams," Mary Poppins, 1964

I've always loved Mary Poppins.  I loved the concept of a spoonful of sugar.  I loved Julie Andrews and Dick Van Dyke.  I loved the humor and wit. I still do! I knew the movie was really about saving Mr. Banks long before "Saving Mr. Banks" was released, and thought it was rather funny when people were surprised. I would sometimes cry when Mr. Banks and Bert had their little duet. It was just a beautiful moment of realization! See, Mr. Banks was trying so hard to take care of his family, that he missed what was important.  He was missing out on the joy in life, and was instead sitting in his own ruin.  His failure.  He didn't have the right perspective. 

I've been sitting in my failures recently.  In this odd transition between college graduate and adulthood I've become stuck.  You see, I graduated with a degree in Art Education.  To the general public, that means that I get to become an art teacher.  To myself, that means I get to be an art teacher.  What the general public doesn't quite realize is that finding positions in that field in the middle of the year is near impossible.  So I need to wait until this coming school year to teach.  Yet, finding a position for this next year is seeming just as impossible! There are currently only three open positions in my surrounding area, and I have applied to all of them. (Except for the one that needs a 5th recommendation letter... waiting on that letter...) Now I get to sit and wait.  I applied to one of them in February.  So the wait is getting scary.  What does this mean? What happens if I don't get any of them? Also, there's this thing called a certificate that teachers need to have to teach.  It takes 10 weeks to process by the Department of Education.  I applied the last week of December, and I'm still waiting on approval.  I am unnerved.  Why on earth have I not been approved? Have I failed in some way? What did I do wrong?

I've been asked if I'm working full time at the zoo.  I've been asked if 'this is what I'm doing now' while I waitress at the Cracker Barrel.  Not that my jobs are demeaning or not good enough, but I get really insulted by these questions.  I feel like they're trying to ask me, in an attempt at a sensitive way, if I failed. I failed at becoming a teacher. A former teaching professor was the one that asked me if waitressing was what I was 'doing now', and that stung.  But you know what? I'm moving up at the Cracker Barrel.  There are different levels you work at.  You start as a Rising Star.  When you pass some tests, you move up to a PAR 1 with a raise and your name embroidered on your apron.  I passed the test Friday.  So that's pretty cool. I don't know how long I'll be working there, but in the mean time, I'm moving up, and I'm liked.  I'd say that's pretty nice.  So yes, this is what I'm doing now.  I'm also applying for teaching jobs, working full time hours at the zoo, running a business, and living life. I'm grinding my grindstone flat.  

Besides my seemingly failure at finding a teaching job, there are other things that seem to pile up as failures.  I have commissions I've needed to paint since last fall that are incomplete and sitting at my easel.  Since 2013, the practice rooms have been waiting for their final brushstrokes and the final echoes of my voice as I work.  I have had many people, when I talk about finishing, say, "You're still not done?" No. I'm not. Sorry. I've failed.  

My business, as much as I harp about it and love it and dream about it, is in a stagnant state as well.  We had one party in early January.   And that was the only one we've had.  We've had hundreds of people tell us how great an idea they think it is.  We've had people say they'd love us at their parties. But my inbox stays empty.  Granted, we have a big event April 25th, and an even bigger one on July 25th, but we're just trudging along.  And with another princessing business debuting this week, the struggle to move forward seem so much more pronounced.  Is my little piece of Disney a failure too? 

Today is when I had my final failure.  Today I worked at the zoo (like every day) and I was asked to clean the Market bathrooms.  Not a big deal.  I was on the Events Team at USF.  I know how to clean a bathroom.  I've worked at VCBC.  I know how to clean a bathroom.  But we go down to the Market, generally clean it, and head back.  Now, I've become good friends with all the Team Leads at the zoo. I know about their pets, their schools, their other jobs, their dreams, their in-laws, and their complaints.  They like me.  But today I was told that they were disappointed with our work and they were sending us back to re-clean.  Granted, my mind was foggy with allergies, and I was with a new staff person, but I was rather confused.  When I and my companion got back to the bathrooms, I saw how badly we had done, and I was ashamed.  I mean, it's a bathroom! Ten year olds can clean a bathroom! I could lay blame on the gal I was working with, and some of the blame I can lay down on her, but goodness. It's a BATHROOM! Later in the day, my team lead friend told me how our boss was disappointed in me too.  And that hurt a lot.  I've actually been hoping to get a summer Team Lead position.  There's an opening, and I told my boss I'd be interested.  I mean, I'm already working the hours! And now I may have shot my chance because of a stupid bathroom! I sent my boss an apology.  Having someone disappointed in you is the worst feeling. 

Failure is a harsh word for all of this.  Is being stuck really failure? But I feel like Mr. Banks.  I've been grinding that grindstone pretty hard for the last few months.  Every moment I have is spent on these jobs.  "I had dreams of walking with giants, to carve my niche in the edifice of time..." But perspective is a beautiful thing to grasp. 

I'm a big fan of Relient K.  In their song Forget and Not Slow Down, they sing about how there are things you can't change now.  You need to keep moving forward.  Perspective is a lovely hand to hold. I've been working at holding perspectives' hand.  And it helps. 

I had listened to this song before work on Wednesday, and it was playing in my mind as I set up the Dino exhibit for the day.  I wanted to just think on the words playing in my head, but a volunteer came in.  He's been here before.  I've said hi, but I've never had a conversation with him.  He gets dropped off in a wheelchair every so often, and he cleans the rails in the museum.  That day he decided to strike up a conversation with me.  I wasn't too thrilled at being chatted with so early in the morning, but I went with it. He asked me how I was.  I relied with the usual, and then I asked him how he was.  I opened up a dam of sorrow.  His brother is going back to jail because of meth.  He told me his brother would rather be in jail because he has friends there.  He told me that his brother burned down the house his family gave him, and he told me his brother's girlfriend hung herself.  She did meth too.  He said she was nice, and that he liked her.  Guest came in, and in the confusion, he waved and left.  Now what a dose of perspective! 

Here in Sioux Falls, I have a wonderful house.  I may be waiting on the paycheck to pay my rent, but I am able to pay for it.  I have a vehicle that gets me where I need to go, and has a terrific bass.  I have been raised by the best parents I could ask for.  I have now been given a set schedule with a whole day off. On Sunday. I have the freedom to go to church! I have a family that listens when I'm sad, and a sister that does NOT do drugs, or cause her family sorrow. I have running water, money for food, and Internet. I got to eat a whole pizza by myself and it was fantastic. I do not have to collect quarters for laundry.  I got a chocolate Easter bunny and it was wonderful.  I have everything I really need and more. 

I may feel like a failure, but I'm simply waiting.  Jesus knew about deserts and dry spells, and I just need to get through this one.  Waiting is something I can do. Prayer is something I need to continue to do.  I need to have perspective.  And to take my spoonful of sugar :). 

Your Rainbow Will Come Smiling Through

"Have faith in your dreams and someday your rainbow will come smiling through."
       -"A Dream is a Wish,"  Cinderella 1950


I saw the new Cinderella movie tonight, and I was just the picture of absolute joy.  It was everything that I ever hoped for in a live-action Cinderella and more! I started clapping with the movie audience when the dance between the Prince and Ella ended, I was so into it! It was just magnificent and I wanted to watch it all over again! Thank you, Adania, for going with me! Watching that movie with you is the best thing thats happened to me in a long time. I wish it could have lasted forever.  Cinderella would have definitely understood my joy of being free of work!

I'm always working these days. I'm almost always at the zoo.  I've been working full time hours since February and haven't had much of a break since.  (That choir tour was NOT a break!) I love my job there, and I have the best co-workers in the world, but I do miss my friends terribly.  We're in different worlds now that I've graduated.  It's not fun, but I had been preparing myself for it for a while.  Summer hours are about to start at the zoo, so there will be a lot less time for me.

I also picked up a job at the Cracker Barrel this January, and it has been a great learning experience, but not always with the best experiences themselves.  I like the change of pace from the quiet zoo to the bustling kitchen, and the tips are AWESOME! It's incredibly rewarding to carry home cash and then put it in a special place.  But my heart isn't in the Cracker Barrel.

For many months now all of my heart has been in my princessing business, Simply Ever After Entertainment.  It has had extreme lows and thrilling highs, but always leaves me in a tizzy of activity and planning.  I have notebooks filled with lists and prices. Etsy pages saved with wigs and shoes and ideas.  Pinterest pages with how to wear fake eyelashes, how to clean wigs, and party ideas. Envelopes filled with receipts from business purchases.  Now, what's a princessing business? Essentially,  we (the princesses/actors) attend events and parties as entertainment for children.  We read stories, play games, and help with gifts and such.  I have huge dreams for this business.  Nearly as impossible as all my other dreams have been.

My current trial feels very much like Cinderella's quest to attend the ball.  She wasn't looking for a prince.  She was looking for one moment to escape her life of servanthood. In the 1950's version she says that her midnight curfew doesn't matter.  "It's more than I ever hoped for." And in this last film she says, "That's more than enough time."  She wasn't looking for a forever or a marriage.  Just a moment.  To be who she really was. To be free. Then the stepsisters and stepmother destroy her mother's dress.  Her chance.  And she wants to give up.

My dream doesn't involve a ball, but it does involve many dresses. And princesses.  My dream for several months now has been March 28th.  Since late January I have been planning a photo shoot of all my characters.  It was the only date that worked with everyone, and gave me enough time to edit photos and get prints made and banners designed before our big summer event, FamilyFest.

FamilyFest has over a 1,000 visitors each summer, and we are scheduled to attend.  This is HUGE.  I signed a contract and everything.  I felt like a real business! I am a real business! Not long after that I bought my business name for the state of South Dakota, and set up a business bank account.  We were going to be a real business! We were going to be princesses! Months have passed, and we have had one party. It was fun, and quite the learning experience! And after it was over, we waited.  And waited.  We got a gig with the woman in charge of FamilyFest to stand with their table at a Stampede game. Sounds fun! We get to read to the K-1st graders at Sioux Falls Christian the day after that. Yay! And then the photo shoot.  That March 28th date.  Because we need those photos. We need to give our advertisement to FamilyFest.  We have a deadline.

Death struck the scene.  No, not Cinderella's father, but our Cinderella/Rapunzel's grandfather.  Our hearts go out to the Wahl family and I know this is hard.  Cinderella/Rapunzel needs to be with her family.  There is no question in that.  But we're down a princess.

We found another Cinderella, and Rapunzel's fabric was back-ordered, so alls well that ends well, right? No. My Belle got called into a play rehearsal and has been told she must be there. I'm down two princesses. And our seamstress, who is a miracle worker and the kindest woman, can't get some of the costumes due to shipping issues and other rentals.  We can't help that.

I cried like a baby about it all. I cried like Cinderella in the garden.  See, this date was a lot more than just a photo shoot for me.  This was the complete vision of what this business could be.  It was this beautiful vision of color and Disney magic.  It was going to be the glorious escape from my work filled world in the cinders and soot, and my chance to have my dream.  My Disney dream. The dream I've had for years.

Many people don't know this, but the very day I applied to the Disney College Program, I was rejected.  One online quiz on what you'd like to be involved in, and it was done.  There is no space for you here.  Have a magical Day. You do not belong with Disney.

It was harsh, sudden, and heartbreaking.  That was it.  There was no going back, no chance for another shot.  That was it.  I was not going to be part of Disney.

This business is my way of having a part of that dream.  I can be surrounded by the kindest and most beautiful princesses I know.  I can be Belle whenever I want.  I can watch Cinderella read a story, and I can watch Anna laugh. I can play make believe with Peter and dance with Rapunzel.  I can have a bit of the Disney magic all my own, and I treasure that more than anything.  Completely apart from my chance to escape my jobs for a couple hours, it was a chance to have my dream.

As of tonight, I lost another princess to a wedding commitment, and what can you do? They need to be there too.  There's nothing I can do.  I'll have what I have Saturday, and I'll have to treasure that small bit of happiness.  I want my glass slipper to fit, and to be able to hold my dreams in my hands.  I want my rainbow to come smiling through.  Or else I'll have to find a new dream.

The brightest part of this, my real rainbow shinning through, is that in the long run, we will be fine.  There will (God willing) be other chances, other opportunities, and new dawns. God is good.  All the time, God is good.  Even when my dream is taking longer to be realized than I had wanted.  And the Lord is so much better than any Fairy Godmother! Now all I can do is close my eyes and dream, and pray that God will continue loving this Disney distracted child of his, even when I don't deserve it.