I can finally see it.
Now I have to believe:
All those precious stories.
All the world is made of faith,
And trust,
And pixie dust.
-"I'll Try" Peter Pan 2
As many of you know, I have a vocal recital this Saturday. I've been very excited about it since I got my other singers together and got my plan set up. I've been practicing these songs for years in anticipation to when I could really show what I could do. I'm not just a visual artist, you know!
I've been working on all my favorite music. I have pieces from Wicked and from Cabaret. I have songs I've chosen from Glee episodes, purely because I love the songs. I even have one aria to show I can do it all. I wanted this show to display the voice God has given me. And also to have a good time with my friends.
Well, disaster hit Saturday. I started getting a rather nasty cough. Well, what's this?! All I could think was 'oh good, I can breathe through my nose!' I didn't think I was seriously sick. Well, Sunday and Monday it got worse. I now have a full hacking cough that sometimes brings up green crud. Green is never good. I went to the clinic Tuesday after school and they even tested me for phenomena. Praise the Lord, it's just an upper respiratory infection. Still not good, right?
I've obviously had a turbulent couple of days. Should I cancel? I can't cancel. It's too late. What can I do to get better? I've been sleeping as much as I can, drinking more water than I ever have before, bought the 100% orange juice I hate and have actually been drinking it... I'm using my inhaler more than I have since my softball days. (They were ugly). There's no solution. I've also been in near tears. You have no idea how much I've been dreaming of this. When I was in high school, I was told by someone I loved that I would never be able to sing in anything but a choir. I spent the next several years proving this person wrong. And I love singing! I sometimes I accidentally start singing out answers to student's questions and they look at me like I'm crazy. Or they say, "Hey! She must really like mine, she sang it!" I just love it. It's part of my personality. I want people to know what I can do. I want recognition. That sounds so selfish but that's all I ever wanted.
I used to be on worship teams whenever I could. It took being rejected for three summers of camp before I realized that when I sang worship, it was all pride in myself and my voice. It was rare that I was actually doing what I was doing for God. He was no part of what I was doing. I was just basking in the reverberation of my vibrato. So I haven't been in worship team since. I need to learn how to make it for Him first.
It's always been a struggle for me to let go of pride. I don't take that kind of pride in painting. I rarely ever know how I manage to paint the things I do. I see God's hand clearly in my artwork. But in my voice I almost always see my strict training and all the work that went into it. It becomes mine and I won't let God claim it. Granted, this is all unintentional. So for this show, before I'd go to bed thinking of this, I prayed to God that He would make this show His own. I told Him I want this to bring glory to Him and Him alone. That's what I prayed. And that's what I'm going to get.
If I was completely healthy this whole week, practiced the whole time, worked hard, I would take the glory. God would have had nothing to do with what I'm doing. Now I have gotten what I prayed for, in a sad way. This show can not happen, under any circumstances, unless God intervenes. The glory of this show being pulled off now resides entirely in God's hands. This is not in my control anymore. I can drink as much orange juice as I can, but without God's healing hand, I can do nothing.
Faith and trust are two things that come easy to children. Wendy, John, and Michael all used faith, trust, and pixie dust to fly. I had the idea that the pixie dust was the hardest thing to find of the three. But right now, I need to focus on the first two. Faith and Trust. God knows more than anyone how much this has meant to me. He knows everything I've ever thought. He knows that I do want to glorify Him. And He knows the way to do that better than I. Faith and Trust. Faith and Trust.
Prayers are still very much so welcomed. For those who want to see what God can do, show up at Z-Hall at 4pm on Saturday. Faith and Trust. Faith and Trust.
Wednesday, November 5, 2014
Monday, June 30, 2014
"In Summer"
And I can't wait to see, what my buddies all think of me. Just imagine how much cooler I'll be in summer!
-"In Summer", Frozen, 2013
It's summer! It's almost July! How did that happen?! After the many questions I got from people on my graduation day, I thought an explanation was overdue. Especially since I haven't REALLY graduated. #student teaching
 |
| Proof I haven't actually graduated! |
So, this summer is the very first in four years that I haven't been at Village Creek Bible Camp. It breaks my heart, but I have to figure out my life. And, as sad as it is to say it, I have to make real money to be able to pay off the impending doom of loans. Now how scary is that? Village Creek is the most incredible place I've ever been, and I'm so happy that my sister gets to experience it this summer. After four years, I also just felt a little burnt out. Though I know people that have done it for 7 or 8 years. Kudos to them; I couldn't do it. But I do miss my craft room...
I'm getting my 'real money' from the Great Plains Zoo, and I genuinely love my job. Each day brings something new, and I've met great people. I've re-designed all of their signs, and they think I'm just the best. They love my excitement when they ask me to do the train or the gate. I've learned so much about the animals as well. When I was at Faith (Mennenga) Nolte's wedding, all my classmates were saying how they were not surprised I was working at a zoo. That took me aback until I remembered how into animals I used to be! I feel like we turn into different people when we move away, and I am not that girl they used to know. It feels like a different lifetime ago!
But anyways, the zoo is my life this summer. And weddings, it seems. I've now attended three, and I have a fourth next week. I find weddings interesting. I'm not one of those gals that loves attending weddings. I hate awkward 'you look beautiful' moments, with the long pause after. Where no one knows what to say. Hey! You invited me! When I go to weddings, I always think of what brought people to this moment, that all these people were here. Why are they the bridesmaids? Who are the groomsmen? Why did the bride/groom choose them? What brought all of this together? I've never been the kind to plan my wedding. I just don't bother, 'specially since there's no prospects! But I do think about bridesmaids. How do you choose?! All I know now is Brigitte and Brittany are permanent fixtures in my wedding.
I guess in any situation I think of how it came to be. I got to attend church today, thanks to my Christian boss that was happy to give me Sunday mornings off from the zoo. I love her! But we had a sermon on the Holy Spirit, and how things that so many things are working together to make change and to change a person. To bring them closer to God. It's not always obvious where He has moved, but I can tell you what He's done for me. I'm in the midst of moving to a house a couple blocks from school with Aubri Frey. And I know that God has used her to change my life.
When I graduated high school, I was determined to do a big thing for God, because I was not going to be one of those students that looses their faith to the masses in college. So I worked at Village Creek. There I met Aubri Frey, and we bonded over us both playing Mrs. Macafee in Bye Bye Birdie. And I loved camp. But in the process, I lost nearly every friend from home. And then I went to Simpson College, and there was an even bigger rift with those friends. But during 4-State Retreat, I was talking about how I hated college to Aubri. She told me all about USF, and how the choir was going to France. And she told me about Broadway and Beyond and University Singers. And how faith was a real thing, not a fake group of judgmental people. And I wanted to go to a place like that. And after going through the most ridiculous hoops, I did.
Aubri got me through that first semester here at USF, and she introduced me to Rachel (Olsen) Halsey, which led to the best of friendships. I met nearly everyone through either Aubri or Rachel. If Aubri hadn't gotten me to USF, who knows if Rachel would have ever had programs at her wedding! (Great story) There are so many things that would have never happened if Aubri hadn't introduced me to Rachel. Most important, I met Brigitte and Brittany. They were intimidating and just so talented! My confidence was shot from the friendship upheavals I had lived through coming to college, and Rachel fixed that for me some. But no one more than Brigitte and Brittany. When they said I could be there roommate at the end of last year, I was pretty terrified. For one, they have so much energy. And second of all, I didn't feel good enough. These two women are fantastic people! What do I have to give? They are just to good. But even though this year had some really, really hard things (loosing Zoey, Mom's surgeries), it has been the best. And I owe it to these two. And God of course.
But anyways, the zoo is my life this summer. And weddings, it seems. I've now attended three, and I have a fourth next week. I find weddings interesting. I'm not one of those gals that loves attending weddings. I hate awkward 'you look beautiful' moments, with the long pause after. Where no one knows what to say. Hey! You invited me! When I go to weddings, I always think of what brought people to this moment, that all these people were here. Why are they the bridesmaids? Who are the groomsmen? Why did the bride/groom choose them? What brought all of this together? I've never been the kind to plan my wedding. I just don't bother, 'specially since there's no prospects! But I do think about bridesmaids. How do you choose?! All I know now is Brigitte and Brittany are permanent fixtures in my wedding.
I guess in any situation I think of how it came to be. I got to attend church today, thanks to my Christian boss that was happy to give me Sunday mornings off from the zoo. I love her! But we had a sermon on the Holy Spirit, and how things that so many things are working together to make change and to change a person. To bring them closer to God. It's not always obvious where He has moved, but I can tell you what He's done for me. I'm in the midst of moving to a house a couple blocks from school with Aubri Frey. And I know that God has used her to change my life.
When I graduated high school, I was determined to do a big thing for God, because I was not going to be one of those students that looses their faith to the masses in college. So I worked at Village Creek. There I met Aubri Frey, and we bonded over us both playing Mrs. Macafee in Bye Bye Birdie. And I loved camp. But in the process, I lost nearly every friend from home. And then I went to Simpson College, and there was an even bigger rift with those friends. But during 4-State Retreat, I was talking about how I hated college to Aubri. She told me all about USF, and how the choir was going to France. And she told me about Broadway and Beyond and University Singers. And how faith was a real thing, not a fake group of judgmental people. And I wanted to go to a place like that. And after going through the most ridiculous hoops, I did.
Aubri got me through that first semester here at USF, and she introduced me to Rachel (Olsen) Halsey, which led to the best of friendships. I met nearly everyone through either Aubri or Rachel. If Aubri hadn't gotten me to USF, who knows if Rachel would have ever had programs at her wedding! (Great story) There are so many things that would have never happened if Aubri hadn't introduced me to Rachel. Most important, I met Brigitte and Brittany. They were intimidating and just so talented! My confidence was shot from the friendship upheavals I had lived through coming to college, and Rachel fixed that for me some. But no one more than Brigitte and Brittany. When they said I could be there roommate at the end of last year, I was pretty terrified. For one, they have so much energy. And second of all, I didn't feel good enough. These two women are fantastic people! What do I have to give? They are just to good. But even though this year had some really, really hard things (loosing Zoey, Mom's surgeries), it has been the best. And I owe it to these two. And God of course.
Brigitte and Brittany have build my confidence up so much. I feel like I'm finally my real self for the first time. We love each other! I was talking to Brittany as we were getting ready for bed a couple months ago, and I was telling her about how my sister is my favorite human in the world. I would try to move the stars for Valerie. And I told Brittany that she was a close second. So is Brigitte. If you've been blind to me, you may not have noticed that I love things hard. With all I've got. Disney. Harry Potter. Sherlock. Painting. (I'm working on making God first in that list.) There are very few people you will find that are more loyal than I am. Men, you'd be pretty lucky! But I love these two like they were my real sisters, and I can't imagine ever not being with them. I had just finished setting up what I had for my new room over in the 'Aubri house' and I came back bawling my eyes out, because I don't want to leave this!! I detest change more than anything. No more Brigitte asking what to wear (I always respond with "clothes"). No more Brittany asking if her hair is ok (yes) or if I like her make up today (I could never tell the difference). I don't get to listen to Brittany go through a play-by-play of everything that happened during the day as she's brushing her teeth. I don't get to tell Brigitte to practice her piano, or to stop snoring! But the most beautiful thing is that I have no fear of these friendships ever ending. I'm so scared of loosing people. I've lost a lot of people. But these guys? They aren't going anywhere.
It's a beautiful thing to know that in the summer of 2010, God knew I needed to meet Aubri Frey. I needed to meet so many others like Rachel and Brigitte and Brittany that would change me and make me into the person I am. People who ltook me to the best chuch, gave me truth, and loved me for who I am. And I love who I am!! I can clearly see where God used these people to make all this happen. And now when I was worried about paying for an over-priced dorm room, I find that the gal that started it all has an extra room, for nearly half the price of the dorms. Aubri, I owe you. You are the best!
So to the summer of change and 'growing up,' bring it on! I have great people by my side. :)
Tuesday, March 11, 2014
Frozen "If only there was someone out there who loved you"
"If only there was someone out there who loved you" -Frozen (2013)
So, the last time I posted it was September. There's less to write about when I'm happy, I guess. But I have a topic I want to talk about tonight.
Our fellow women are detrimental in adding to our relationship dreams. I learned this at camp several years ago, but it becomes all the more true when you forget and you get hurt through no fault but your own. And those friends. Thank goodness for Kristoff who told Anna she was delusional for getting married after knowing a guy one day! Speak your mind!
As soon as a girl has heard that someone likes them, the result is instant and definite. You think of dating, marriage, what your names sound like together, etc. Even if you're not looking for a relationship, or are clueless to the opposite sex, it's an instant reaction. It doesn't matter if the person isn't what you were looking for, or even if your not attracted to them. A person can be convinced of anything. You just want someone to share life with. Is there someone that will love me? This innocent thing is really a horrible trap for women.
When you're in a relationship and it's still going well, you think you may have found that person that's going to love you. Even when it's not going great, a girl can be blinded into thinking that their relationship is strong and forever, because of this commitment they've made to this other person. Like the Bachelor tonight. I hate the Bachelor. It's a very stupid show, but it shows how hard you can fall for someone that you don't even know likes you or loves you. I hope that Nikki girl dumps Pablo's butt cause he's an idiot. Emotionally constipated, completely. But to make believe you like someone isn't right. And you can't always "let it go, let it go."
With my friends I've made this year, I've come to find how brutally honest I can be. I have a love of justice. When one of my new friends was wanting a relationship with this boy we know, I didn't think it was a good idea. She needed someone on the same page of life she was and he was not there. But for over a year she had this festering hope that they could possibly be together. Finally he made a move, but though it meant the world to her, it meant nothing to him. And he made moves on another girl within a week. But everyone around both of these girls, that knew what had happened, kept everything a secret. Pablo may be an idiot, but knowing how important honesty is is good. You can't keep secrets that could be a deciding factor in a major decision like a relationship! 'If I had known what I know now' has been said by many women. But it's not the guys fault a lot of the time! Where are the other people in their lives?! I've been on the receiving end of several ending responses from guys, starting with the 'you won't give me what I want so we're done' line, and ending with my personal favorite 'we've had a good run, but...'. Ha. But I can say I only have one person that told me it was a bad idea. ONE person told me that dating this guy would be a bad idea. And this guy messed up a lot of girls. And NO ONE told me. At least I made it through that unscathed. I praise God for that. But really? No one had the guts, or cared enough to tell me I was wrong?
My other friend has had a string of boys after her this year. It speaks to her character that these guys are all honest, Christ loving men. Every single one. But they are not right for her at all. And she's thanked me time and time again for being honest with her. Can't we all be honest? Instead of starting these make believe relationships in our heads because of a giggled, "He likes you!", can we instead say that I think he likes you but it wouldn't work? It would save us the hurt from finding out it isn't true. It would save us the time we spent on texts and snap chats and anything else we've done in the effort to find out if it's true. Because even when the relationship isn't real, it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt like it was.
Girls can't hold things in very well. We always have to tell someone. I tell my roommates nearly everything, along with my sister. If it's a secret, there's at least one person we've told anyway, because they don't count. Be the real person that that person needs to hear the truth from. I don't care if you've heard it from another source. These things need to be shared. Secrets make lots of friends, but only until the secret hurts another.
Proverbs 4:23. Guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.
It's the wellspring of life! Everything we do flows from it! Don't block off someone's life by giving them delusions. Be real with people, and constantly build them up. Because there are people that love you. Anna found Kristoff. And there are even more people that haven't met you yet that are going to love you. And God loves you more than all of them. It doesn't matter if you're in a relationship on earth, or are waiting for one. There is someone who loves you. And that's a fact.
So, the last time I posted it was September. There's less to write about when I'm happy, I guess. But I have a topic I want to talk about tonight.
Our fellow women are detrimental in adding to our relationship dreams. I learned this at camp several years ago, but it becomes all the more true when you forget and you get hurt through no fault but your own. And those friends. Thank goodness for Kristoff who told Anna she was delusional for getting married after knowing a guy one day! Speak your mind!
As soon as a girl has heard that someone likes them, the result is instant and definite. You think of dating, marriage, what your names sound like together, etc. Even if you're not looking for a relationship, or are clueless to the opposite sex, it's an instant reaction. It doesn't matter if the person isn't what you were looking for, or even if your not attracted to them. A person can be convinced of anything. You just want someone to share life with. Is there someone that will love me? This innocent thing is really a horrible trap for women.
When you're in a relationship and it's still going well, you think you may have found that person that's going to love you. Even when it's not going great, a girl can be blinded into thinking that their relationship is strong and forever, because of this commitment they've made to this other person. Like the Bachelor tonight. I hate the Bachelor. It's a very stupid show, but it shows how hard you can fall for someone that you don't even know likes you or loves you. I hope that Nikki girl dumps Pablo's butt cause he's an idiot. Emotionally constipated, completely. But to make believe you like someone isn't right. And you can't always "let it go, let it go."
With my friends I've made this year, I've come to find how brutally honest I can be. I have a love of justice. When one of my new friends was wanting a relationship with this boy we know, I didn't think it was a good idea. She needed someone on the same page of life she was and he was not there. But for over a year she had this festering hope that they could possibly be together. Finally he made a move, but though it meant the world to her, it meant nothing to him. And he made moves on another girl within a week. But everyone around both of these girls, that knew what had happened, kept everything a secret. Pablo may be an idiot, but knowing how important honesty is is good. You can't keep secrets that could be a deciding factor in a major decision like a relationship! 'If I had known what I know now' has been said by many women. But it's not the guys fault a lot of the time! Where are the other people in their lives?! I've been on the receiving end of several ending responses from guys, starting with the 'you won't give me what I want so we're done' line, and ending with my personal favorite 'we've had a good run, but...'. Ha. But I can say I only have one person that told me it was a bad idea. ONE person told me that dating this guy would be a bad idea. And this guy messed up a lot of girls. And NO ONE told me. At least I made it through that unscathed. I praise God for that. But really? No one had the guts, or cared enough to tell me I was wrong?
My other friend has had a string of boys after her this year. It speaks to her character that these guys are all honest, Christ loving men. Every single one. But they are not right for her at all. And she's thanked me time and time again for being honest with her. Can't we all be honest? Instead of starting these make believe relationships in our heads because of a giggled, "He likes you!", can we instead say that I think he likes you but it wouldn't work? It would save us the hurt from finding out it isn't true. It would save us the time we spent on texts and snap chats and anything else we've done in the effort to find out if it's true. Because even when the relationship isn't real, it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt like it was.
Girls can't hold things in very well. We always have to tell someone. I tell my roommates nearly everything, along with my sister. If it's a secret, there's at least one person we've told anyway, because they don't count. Be the real person that that person needs to hear the truth from. I don't care if you've heard it from another source. These things need to be shared. Secrets make lots of friends, but only until the secret hurts another.
Proverbs 4:23. Guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.
It's the wellspring of life! Everything we do flows from it! Don't block off someone's life by giving them delusions. Be real with people, and constantly build them up. Because there are people that love you. Anna found Kristoff. And there are even more people that haven't met you yet that are going to love you. And God loves you more than all of them. It doesn't matter if you're in a relationship on earth, or are waiting for one. There is someone who loves you. And that's a fact.
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