"Healing Incantation"

Flower, gleam and glow 
Let your power shine 
Make the clock reverse 
Bring back what once was mine 

Heal what has been hurt 
Change the Fates' design 
Save what has been lost 
Bring back what once was mine 
-"Healing Incantation," Tangled

God is so good to me.  I don't say that enough.  I really don't.  He's blessed me in so many ways, and in so many ways I haven't even begun to think of.  But there's been a lot of healing in the last week, and it wouldn't be right to ignore it.

My last post was last Thursday, and all I could talk about was how frustrated I was.  I was on my fourth day without the use of normal hearing, and it was making me miserable! You really don't know what you've got til it's gone.  I got desperate, and drove a half hour to the nearest Wal-Mart for something to help me on Monday night.  It didn't help the first time.  It  kinda made a caffeinated beverage kind of fizzing in my ear, and then you're to use a a syringe to  squirt the wax/unidentified objects out.  It didn't work that time, like I said.  I thought I'd try it again Thursday night.  I let it sit and fizz, and then went to the bathroom to try to drain it.  This funny colored chunk fell out, and I was so excited.  I thought I could hear better! I did it again and another piece fell out that was not very big. I was getting excited  because I had proof that it really was coming out.  I tried it again and a LARGE piece fell out! I was sure I could hear! But then I did it again and all of a sudden I could hear the rushing water of the sink, and I almost cried in relief.  You have no idea what you've got until it's gone.  Last week, I probably wouldn't be able to hear the snoring in this house.  The week before that, it probably would have driven me up the wall.  This week all I can do is be thankful that I'm even able to hear it.  I feel great that I can hear questions and answer them in a better way than, "What?" The chunks that fell out, to give you an idea, when all rolled together, would be the size of the average marble.  No joke.  I'd post a picture, but it's on my phone, and I want to go to bed some time tonight!

I had another healing moment this weekend.  For those that don't know me, the majority of my high school friends dumped me when I transferred to Sioux Falls.  For reasons that were silly and deeply hurtful for the loyal golden retriever I am.  But there are two that I still love, and their names are Kendal Gast and Mayra Mucino.  Kendal is my baby brother, and we used to Skype all the time.  I give him advice, and he just lets me talk when I need too.  I can't believe he's graduating this year!! There's so much good about Kendal, but it's hard to put into words.  Mayra is a different story.  We slowly built our friendship through our high school years.  I was on her 'do not like' list freshman year.  I was rather obnoxiously happy and nice to her rough, Cali attitude.  But how we've grown up! We got close when we were dating these two boys that were cousins to each other.  When they broke up with us, we leaned on each other, because most of our friends, mainly mine, didn't understand.  Of course, it's pretty normal for high school girls to feel misunderstood, but that's what drove us together.  We have a lot more to our friendship now.  We've gone to Lifelight Music Festival together three times I think, and the last time as just the two of us.  I've seen her grow in her faith, and she's given me great challenges to grow on too.  It's hard to keep up a friendship living so far away from each other, but she's one of those gals I'm not going to let go.  When I got in my accident last January, I was so scared.  I was all alone and knew it wasn't a good idea to call my mom.  So I texted my three high school best friends, and Mayra jumped in a van and came to be with me through the police report and while waiting for my dad.  She just dropped everything to make sure I wasn't alone.  I don't think that she has any clue how much that meant to me.  It meant the world.  It really did.  The other two gals never answered the texts. Never asked me how I was. Mayra is a treasure, and a better friend than people give her credit for.  But back to the healing.  I got to take a drive to Iowa Falls with Mayra and Kendal, and that was the healing I needed.  I was feeling so trapped in my situation and the different pressures of home and my paraprofessional.  Mayra and Kendal let me be myself, completely myself, for the first time in quite a while.  I didn't have to be overly happy, and I didn't have to have a sob story either.  We just were.  Those kinds of friendships are pretty special.  

The last thing I want to talk about as far as healing, seeing that it's past my teacher bed time, is Grandpa.  We were with him all afternoon into the evening this Saturday, and I was so touched by our community.  It's why I love small towns.  Grandpa is doing so much better, and is having some feeling back in his legs, but it's the other type of healing, of people and prayer, that makes all the difference.  My grandpa is just a piece of work.  I love him so much.  And so does everyone else.  There was a literal line outside his room door of visitors from all aspects of the community.  His pastor came in and said a beautiful prayer that I happened to miss.  I know it was beautiful from all the Kleenexes that were out when I walked in! He had his choir friends come in and sing to him.  Out of that whole day, the only thing that threatened to make me cry was just the amount of love there is for my grandpa.  My Grandpa Lewie was just as great, but I never got to see him in the hospital.  This actual vision of a LINE outside a patient room just touched my heart deeply, and I think it's proof of living a meaningful life.  That people truly care for you.  You can be the best theologian in the world, but if no one's there to help you when you pass away, or just when you're struggling, what was the point of all that intelligence? I'm not bashing knowledge. I wish more people would take the time to really read the Bible and to take classes and really learn as much as they can about what they've dedicated their lives too.  But without love, it means nothing.

      God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them. - 1 John 4:16b

"Lack of Education"

You listen good to I, because it's either education or elimination!Now, if you're so foxy and old Chief is so dumbThen why does that hound get the fox on the run?'Cause he's got the hunter -and the hunter's got the gunKa-blam, elimination!Lack of education!- "Elimination-Lack of Education," Fox and the Hound

This is a random collection of thoughts that I can't seem to get off my mind and I just want to share.  I've been feeling lonely and then don't want to be bothered in turns, so that leaves me very contemplative. 

Education.  I've kinda had enough of it.  At least, the observing part.  I've just completed my... 10th-ish day of class, and I'm just hoping the next week passes quickly.  It's not that I don't like the school, Mrs. Knox, or even the educational field.  It's just that I've been put outside my comfort zone for too long and I'm feeling it.  I've heard the sermons about how that's good, and as Christians we should be outside our comfort zones, but this doesn't seem like one of those situations.  

It's one thing helping at AGWSR.  I know how everything works, and since 90% of people know my family, they're always willing to help or let me know what's going on.  Things are organized, and have a system.  The teachers aren't afraid to ask me to help in specific ways.  It's 100% opposite at Starmont.  Mrs. Knox is great and all that jazz, but I have been so confused of what's expected of me.  And I'm a person that HAS to have something to do 24/7 or else I zone out.  I've been reading on my phone in the classes that I do nothing in.  I have NO idea if she's upset by this or not. I finally talked to Autumn about it last night and she said that it probably does bother her.  I won't do it again.  I tried knitting one day, but high school students instantly put you on their 'odd' list when you do things like that.  So probably not the best idea.  The student's projects are almost all independent projects, and I just don't know how to help.  If someone was to ask for advice, I could do it, but no one ever does.  Except in painting class and that's a pain in the butt.  I presented my artwork last monday, and the students are supposed to do a piece reflected off of it.  And I don't know how to get them to do it in the right direction.  Like, for instance, there's a gal that is coloring a landscape in graphite, but she swears to me it's watercolor.  It's a graphite pencil. If I'm wrong, great for her, but I'm still confused.  I also have a whole row of guys that were going to paint Nike and Fox symbols until Mrs. Knox caught them and made them at least print them, since I taught about printmaking.  There's also a gal that practically wants me to do her piece for her.  All I tell her now is to 'just go for it,' 'it's your piece not mine!' It doesn't help that I honestly, with no disrespect, thing she paints like a 5th grader.  I'm also frustrated with the lack of supplies and the fact that NOTHING is organized! It's all piled higldy-pidgely. I'm not a very organized person, but people can at least FIND stuff! There's a layer of dirt on almost everything, and I'm sure that the fire code is being broken in at least 10 different ways.  I just want them to have the real art experience, but Mrs. Knox just doesn't teach that way, and I can't change that.  I just have to learn from her.  I am learning, but I wish it was in a greater way.

Anyway, I'm just frustrated over all.  I don't like not knowing what's expected of me.  Can't help it, so might as well just get through it.  

In other news, I'm on my 4th day with no hearing in my left ear.  It's VERY frustrating.  Like everything else in my life right now.  It skews your perspective on where sound is coming from, and you can't focus on a conversation.  It also heightens your feelings of isolation because you can't hear anyone else.  I'm so used to it now that I can't even really tell if I can hear again or not.  I just want to hear.  

My cousin Courtney had her baby today, named Hayden Hartwig.  Good news.  But the paintings she was having me do for the nursery aren't done. Shoot.

Grandpa isn't doing so hot.  There's a lot of things going on this weekend, and I have been told that I HAVE to visit Grandpa before heading home.  It seems like no one but Aunt Nancy knows what's going on.  But no one will contact her.  Families are frustrating aren't they? 

Frustration.  Too bad Disney hasn't done a rendition on that.  I just pray for peace, and that everything will work itself out.  It will eventually, right?

"Love is a Song"

Love is a song that never endsLife may be swift and fleetingHope may die yet love's beautiful musicComes each day like the dawn 

- "Love is a Song," Bambi

 I think this has been the most crazy last week of my entire life.  That's probably not true, but it definitely feels like it.  I'm not used to so much change in such a short amount of time!

Friday afternoon I made the drive to Village Creek Bible Camp.  I had such a great time! All my best friends were back together again, and it made me so incredibly happy.  After such a long time away from having friends and hugs, it was exactly what I needed.  It was hard to leave Val, who's not exactly happy that I haven't seen her play basketball, but I'd been planning this and my other week plans since July, and I couldn't change it.  I hadn't laughed as much as I did that weekend, and our small groups were wonderful.  At school I have one person I can share things with, but she doesn't understand me, or what I need.  Sharing with people who really know me was an amazing relief, and very therapeutic. Specially for Bethany.  We're kinda at the same point as far as school, what we're going to do with our lives, and friends at school.  We also kinda have similar ways of coping with our loneliness.  She's wonderful and I love her very much!  Katie and me made a deal that she would only push me in the snow if I was fully dressed in my winter gear.  She kept her part of the deal, but I never managed to knock her down... Maybe it might be the fact that she works with cows and I work with paint. Possibly. 

If you can't tell, it's kinda been a blast :).  I also finished a painting for Sue that she's giving as a gift.  I won't be able to post it til next week because of that reason.

That Sunday, Katie, Alison, and I left for Alison's house to spend New Years there.  Before we could take off, however, I get the news that Grandpa Harold is at Mayo with two tumors, most likely cancerous.  One is wrapped around his lower spine, and for a time if he moved at all he'd be paralyzed.    It looked really bad for a while, and that whole time he was on his apparent death bed, I was watching people jump in a freezing lake and getting pummeled into the snow.  If he had passed I would have been so bitter.  I was told to go ahead and take my time with my friends, but it's hard to smile and ice skate when your Grandpa may be dying.


I have a great relationship with my grandpa.  He's the only one I have left, and even though he can be terribly embarrassing, I love him very very much.  I don't think you could find a more proud grandfather.  He stops by our house all the time with Grandma just to see us and cry over how amazing we are.  No joke.  I just want one more time to talk with him and let him know that I don't put my friends over family ever.  And how much I love the unique childhood he helped to give me.  Grandpa had a heard of deer when I was young, and every spring we'd go out into his field and find the fawns.  There are few memories as a child that I hold more dear than parting the grass to see a curled up little baby there in it's nest.  I love the pictures that I have of those memories.  But who I really feel sorry for right now is Val.  I was the first Vincent grandchild to graduate without Grandpa Lewie.  It was extremely hard for him not to be there. Val would miss both grandfathers, and I desperately pray that doesn't happen to her.  I'm going to Mayo Saturday with my family to finally see what's going on.  Mom just texted me to tell me that it's treatable but not curable.  That leaves you with the mystery of time.  What is it and how much do you have left? I just know that you have to accept the time you're given.  I've made so many promises of paintings for him and visits that I never bothered to take.  I have to take the time I have left to make it up for him.  Hopefully he'll make it to his birthday in February, and I'll be able to give it to him special.  He also helped my dad to see how important camp was.  Last summer my dad didn't want me to go.  He had so much work to do at home, and I think he just felt abandoned, or that he'd missed his chance when I was in high school to really take advantage of me living there.  Grandpa reminded him that I was essentially a missionary, and that there was no greater thing I could be doing with my summer.  I'm really thankful for that.  It was the best summer of my life.

I was going to go into the silly things that happened on the route to Alison's and the time we had there.  I was going to talk about my first day as a paraprofessional student, and how confusing it was.  But I just can't.  I'll write about Starmont tomorrow.  Tara gave me a book called "The Gospel in Disney," and it's a wonderful book; made to order for someone like me.  I wanted something relatable, and so I picked the sermon on the movie Fantasia, and it was rather spot on. It analyses the segment called "The Sorcerer's Apprentice." It's a Mickey Mouse segment, and it's very well done.  But the author uses it to sort of explain why bad things happen, but yet we have a God that loves us so infinitely.  He pegs it down to three reasons. You may have your own ideas or even have studied this more in a real academic fashion, so no arguments please.  This is just what Philip Anderson has to say.  The first is the gift of personal freedom.  The second is that God has structured the world with certain dependable laws, of moral and of medical and of science.  The third is life's relationships.  I found the whole thing rather fascinating, though I'm also content with saying it's because of sin in the world.  But that's not what got me.  With the struggles with my relationship with God, I constantly forget that He loves me and actually cares.   He cared that I had a monster headache all day, He cared that Autumn's car wouldn't start.  He cares about Val's basketball, Mom's back, Dad's work, and Grandpa's health.  Sometimes I think when we pray we're trying to convince God that we're worth Him stepping in and solving all the ills in our lives.  The thing is, He already knows we're struggling, He just wants us to go to him first.  My relationship with God should be like the relationship I have with my mother or Katie.  With Mom, we can talk for several hours, telling each other what problems we're having and how unfair they are.  We should both take a step back and ask ourselves if we've talk to God about them before we call each other up.  Every time something ridiculously 'Lindsay' happens, I automatically want to tell Katie.  I may be upset about it, but she has a way of making the not so good things seem hilarious and put a smile back on my face.  Why can't I just chat with God and laugh with Him? He's got to laugh at some of the situations I've managed to get myself in.  I would!

I've got school tomorrow, then a drive back home.  I love long drives, though I often pretend I don't.  Correction, I love long drives by myself.  I love to sing at the top of my lungs and blast the music through my ears.  But the best times are when I shut everything off and just start praying out loud.  I'm looking forward to it tomorrow.