If I Never Knew You

If I never knew you I'd be safe but half as real Never knowing I could feel A love so strong and true I'm so grateful to you I'd have lived my whole life through Lost forever If I never knew you
 -"If I Never Knew You," Pocahontas

     I'm not writing about a new love that's suddenly sprung up in my life, but an old one that never leaves, and continues to bless in so many ways.

This week was my midterm week, and I was in a panic.  I had no idea how I was going to take care of all my responsibilities and yet get to sleep.  I'm kinda a bear if I don't get enough sleep.  My Sunday was taken up by an incredibly long Events Team meeting that lasted from 4 in the afternoon to 8 that night.  It was more of an orientation of new expectations and review, and though it felt unnecessary for me, personally, it was a requirement

and I did get paid.  I'll deal with that! But I also had a test the next day, and I had to fit in painting time on the USF logo, drive to Outback Steakhouse to ask for a donation (fourth attempt... I'm great), and take a Art History Quiz that night,  not to mention class.  Oh! And a Government paper! I was rather stressed.  I'm the kind of person that the amount of things stresses me out far more than the actual item.  I have a mental list of at least 4 days worth of life requirements constantly going through my head, then I'll randomly start contemplating the next big steps for myself, like this next summer.  

The funny thing is, is that when Monday came, I requested to my voice teacher that we skip lessons, seeing that I just simply wasn't ready, and I promised to make it up soon.  She was still rather stoked that I had performed at the first departmental, so I was absolutely fine in that.  Got to studying with the (sort of?) help of Katie on Skype.  Actually, I believe I ranted, in a joking way, on how I never will care what a carb is and how I didn't want to study it.  The test wasn't atrocious, and I got out of there in good time.  I painted for about an hour and a half, and then ran back to my room for my favorite show, Castle.  

I have two shows.  Castle and Glee, and those are about the only scheduled shows that I don't miss.  I was watching the Breaking Amish show, but they just make me mad.  I don't like people making obviously stupid mistakes on TV.  I see enough people do that in my hometown and at school to like it.  But I do like talking about it with Katie and my roommate Sarah.  Anyway, I was trying to read for my Art History quiz during the commercials, and it wasn't working too well.  Then after Castle was the coverage on the man that was being given the death penalty that night.  It was so fascinating to watch the coverage.  I have opinions on all that, but I don't want to get into it on here.  This will be long enough as it is!! Anyway, it's getting later, and I decide that I will just take the online quiz once and see how I do.  I can take it twice, and we can use the book, but it's over 5 chapters, and has very obscure information, in my opinion.  So I start.  I'm timed at 45 minutes, and when I finish, I check my score.  26/30! On my first go! I guessed on a bunch! That's a better score than the one I spent several hours high-lighting my book!! I quit then and there! I'm not taking it again, I'm proud of that score! It was a HUGE relief when that happened, and I honestly threw up a thanks to God for that small amount of peace I was given.  I threw together my Government paper, which wasn't hard at all.  I have a gift with papers.  LOVE writing them.  I needed to make sure I printed my SSN for my first day at Hobby Lobby, so I printed both, and even got to bed before 12:30am.  An amazing feat for a college student, let me tell you!

Tuesday I was just as stressed.  I was to have my first day at Hobby Lobby, and I didn't know  how long it would take to get there.  Driving will always make me nervous.  That semi accident really has never left the back of my mind, and I dwell on how easy it is while I'm driving from time to time.  I asked my choir professor if I could leave early and he gave me permission.  I got there 20 minutes early, and just chilled in my van until then.  It was so weird.  I had no idea what was going on.   First Darrel, my boss, comes in and says there's good news and bad news.  I started to panic that he was going to have me work over 4 State and miss my friends, but instead he tells me I"m going to work in framing rather than cashier!! I was really happy with that! I'm not excellent with numbers, and I'd hate to mess up someone's payment.  People aren't nice when money is involved.   Framing is also something my high school and college professor said was a good thing to know for your own art.  Another blessing.  But it was truck day, and I was sent to unpack boxes for a long time.  I need to remind myself always to eat before or bring a snack, cause that was AWFUL! I was so hungry I had a headache.  I had a Psych test the next day, so as soon as I got back to school I got my handy-dandy pizza maker and a Tombstone Extra Cheese Pizza, and got to work.  I had no idea how to find the answers to this study guide.  Our professor gives us the questions on the test, and if we remember the order of the answers we find and what they are, we're golden.  I did really bad on the first one because I could not get the answers.  I have an old edition of the book and it makes it challenging sometimes, besides the fact that he's not an excellent teacher.  Nice guy, but can't teach.  I'm sitting there, and my friend Denise comes in, and I offer her some of my pizza.  We're chatting, when her roommate comes in, and we're chatting, and Psych comes up.  Her and a couple other people got together and found all the answers.  So she hands me all the answers to the test.  She saved me 7 + hours of searching and making it up.  HUGE BLESSING.  Then I found out the printer had been out of paper since the previous evening, so I felt doubly blessed that I had gotten things done early enough that I wasn't running all over campus for paper, which would have probably make me cry with stress if it had happened.  

The test went fine the next morning, and work that night was just as boring, but I got to meet some neat people, and see what a real day will be like.  I'm pretty sure I will like it.  I will probably tell more as I learn about the processes.  The next day was make up of just classes, work, and then making Alison and Autumn's birthday presents.  I made Katie's the night before.  

I was thinking, Wednesday night, when I originally started this post, how absolutely blessed I've been.  Little things like paper in the printers, kind people and other students, little girls in gyms that tell you your pony tail is pretty, really just bless me beyond belief.  Sometimes I think I pray just to do it.  That I 'think' it will make it better, but when it 'doesn't' I don't bat an eye.  Each day though, it was like another weight was lifted off my shoulders until all I could do was do a happy dance around my room! I was free!! 

4 State was really great! It was so nice to see everyone.  I had breakfast dishes both mornings and Saturday afternoon was spent in the craft room.  Me and Katie goofed around and I got to rock my new Bambi shirt for the first time! My sister and her friends came Saturday morning with my dad, and it was just a great reunion.  It was a rush to leave, because Val wanted to be back for a basketball thing she didn't even go to.  I had to get a picture with Autumn though.  When making her present, I found that there wasn't a single picture taken of just me and her! That was a gross injustice to our friendship, so it had to change.  And it did! Camie commented on my pictures, and it was a great compliment from a great photographer.  I wanted to make sure to get some good ones at camp times other than the summer.  My art show is counting on me! :)  Sue's also given me a fun project.  Fun secrets!! You'll all love it :D.

If I never knew You, I would never felt this love.  Never know that I could feel a love so strong and true.  At different points I was just humbled by the love I've been shown.  Not that I'm not shown the same amount of love at low points, but the evidence of this love was just so strong that it couldn't be passed of.  I'd been given a job, several in fact, and I hadn't messed up any school paperwork.  I had been able to hang out with people from school rather than sitting in a lonely part of my mind, contemplating all the wrongs that have been handed me.  I found a church that I really like, thanks to Stacy Bender, and they are interested in me as a person and college student rather than just a random number.  Even though Facebook is a silly thing to make you happy, I've been getting so much encouragement from it as well!  I also include my dear friends of VCBC in this.  If I never knew you, Katie, Alison, Autumn, and so many others, I think I would have forgotten what real friendship was like.  I don't think anyone but Bethany can understand what I'm talking about, and I know the other best friends I have now been blessed with will never understand fully why I'm always trying to talk with them and send them cute pictures about friendship.  As silly as I make them, or as cheesy as they seem, I am almost always meaning those things in a completely and 100% honest way.  I do love my friends that much.  It may just be the golden retriever in me, but I am never going to stop being the kind of friend these amazing people deserve. 

 I really hope and pray that these happy times continue.  It's been a great long stretch! And I have great things coming up!

Where Do I Go From Here

But where do I go from here?  So many voices ringing in my ear.  Which is the voice that I was meant to hear?  How will I know?  Where do I go from here?     -"Where Do I Go From Here," Pocahontas 2: Journey to a New World

I've tried to write this titled blog post for a while, but it always sounded depressing.  I think I've got a handle on it now, though the song still fits my present living.

A lot of good has happened in the last... while since I've last written.  I can't even begin to express how better this year has been compared to the previous one.  While talking to my mom, she condemned me for saying it, but I've kinda been waiting for it to go bad.  I usually don't go this long without something unfortunate happening to me.  Blessings, blessings!

Most recently, I got a job!! I went in to an interview with Hobby Lobby yesterday, and I didn't expect him to hire right on there, but he did!  As soon as he started going over my availability, I thought it was doomed, but he said I seemed to be a good enough girl and with my skills in the arts and crafts area, I was sure to do well there.  He was a really nice guy, and I am so glad I got the job.  I needed a better income.  Yet, there are downsides.  I have to work Black Friday and that next Saturday. Saturday is the day I have the tickets to see Beauty and the Beast.  While the employer, Darrel, said that he'd try to make that work out,  I still live 4 and a half hours from Sioux Falls, and my grandma lives an extra 2 and a half past that... Ouch.  And then to drive back?? I'm really hoping this works out.  Also, this next coming weekend is the 4 State retreat.  I might have to work.  I'm also hoping we can work something out, but during my interview Darrel did say he couldn't make too many exceptions... Oh Lordy! I really hope it works out! It takes 5 and a half hours to get to camp from here, and I've been looking forward to this retreat for MONTHS.  I don't count these situations as bad things.  After the ear issues I had last year, it takes more than a few missed entertainments to make me really upset.  I still hope it works out.

This leads me to a special thing that Autumn has set up.  She made a prayer group on Facebook with a couple of her close friends, me included.  We post our prayer requests, and she added a thing she learned at camp this summer, of commenting the exact time you prayed.  I think it's helped all of us out a lot.  I can't wait to see her! She's one of the most caring and beautiful people I've ever met!! She is a star :).

Another great thing that has happened is that I got a painting job! The athletic department needed the school logo painted on the wall above the bleachers in the gym.  The pay is great and I'm doing something I love, though my poor neck doesn't love the angle.  It's going well, and I hope to be done with it sometime next week.  The paint is really cheap though, so it will take a couple layers.  This is what I had after finishing up last night.  I still need to outline the white in black, and fill it in with purple.  And finish spelling 'Sioux Falls' of course.  Plus layers... a lot of work.

I also have started on a rather awesomely huge project.  For Art History we have to do a massive research paper, and I'm doing 'Art and Disney's Sleeping Beauty.'  Laugh all you want, but I'm quite serious on it.  I spent hours this week reading up on Walt Disney, and I'm even more sure that my future husband needs to be like him! I've also realized I'm quite a bit like him.  That's a whole other blog post, however :).  I'm slightly frustrated with my professor though, because she isn't very supportive of it.  See, there's something called the Undergraduate Research Conference, and I want to present my findings.  It looks great on a resume, and it will happen next spring.  I'm beyond excited, but my professor has made it known that she doesn't like Disney.  I'm going to present that Disney movies are true artworks, by using the movei that relates most to art history, Sleeping Beauty.  Not my favorit princess movie, but a good one none the less.  Every time I talk to Nancy about it though, she keeps telling me I have to have scholarly sources.  I have 5 books on the subject! "Well, they have to be scholarly." THEY'RE BOOKS! Gosh, she drives me nuts.  One of the authors was a Harvard art professor! How much more scholarly can you get!? I hope my presentation will help her to open her mind.  She's ripped mine open all the time about modern art, so it's about time I return the favor... in a kind way of course.

I feel like I'm missing something... Ah! The meaning of my title!! Where do I go from here?  It's a song that pops into my head quite a bit when I'm beyond overwhelmed or lacking direction.  The first time I tried this title I had a lack of direction.  Once I again reminded myself that God's got my life on a direction that's better than I could ever imagine.  This time I'm overwhelmed.  With the week I've had, it's no wonder.  Monday night/Tuesday morning I was up til 3:30 studying for Government, failed the Art History quiz that next day because of government, started the painting job, had my interview, failed twice at my print in Printmaking, sang for departmental, did a lot of research... Long week.  The overwhelmed part comes into play when I realized how full my schedule now is.  It brings forth feelings of panic to look at my calendar that, if it included everything, would be so colorful you'd think I drew a rainbow.  How am I to do all the things I could do but didn't do before? I now have a job that's not near as understanding as my Events Team job. (which I still have, by the way) I have choir performances, musical performances I HAVE to attend for points, homework, studying, general cleaning, painting the gym, trying to be a better artist for Disney's Internship Program, and while also trying to grow in Christ. There's tons of things I haven't mentioned, but I'm not going to try to list everything that worries me.  God's got that taken care of, but it wouldn't hurt to have the prayers of my friends and such.  For calmness. For my boss to understand my commitments.  For joy in my blessings.   It's all helpful.

I love you guys and I can't wait to see many of you soon!! Hopefully!

PS: Katie, just thought you should know, my butt went to sleep typing this.  Are you proud?!

So This is Love

So this is love,  
Mmmmmm,  So this is love.  So this is what makes life divine     -"So This is Love," Cinderella

Bahahaha! No! I'm not in love! At least, not the kind of love you're probably thinking of! But this is the song I was thinking of in my quiet time last night.  That may or may not be because Cinderella came out in it's Diamond Edition today. (Of course I bought it!) But it also goes along with my thought process very well.

It's been really hard for me to think of a blogging topic the last... week and a half? Two weeks? I don't like complaining, and I was in a down stretch for that time, and didn't want to cloud the Internet with my grey thoughts.  But things have gotten really interesting the last few days! The University of Sioux Falls is hosting the South Dakota Supreme Court! According to my Government professor, this is a huge honor.  According to my art professor, she just puts up with it.  For my music instructors, they hate it with a passion.  That may or may not be because they are locked out of their offices for the judges security until 5 PM.

It's been truly fascinating to witness these cases.  Monday was the first day of court, and I, as an Event Team member, was working two of the cases as a 'Balcony Usher.'  Too bad no one sat in the balcony! The first case I saw was about a man who was making child porn.  The issues with the case were that the IP address was supposed to be private and the police should have had a warrant I believe, and the other was that the public wasn't allowed inside in the original session.  I was confused as to why this was important to have a case on it until I did my Government reading and talked to my professor today.  It's all about rights.  I am very fascinated.  No wonder Bri Turner gave up her Opera major for this!

The second case I saw was the big one.  It was a murder case.  Two convicts in the penitentiary were charged with the murder of one of the guards in a botched escape attempt.  It was SO INTERESTING!! The lawyers were really good and it was not at all boring to watch.  The defense and the plaintiff both shared very different sides of this man, the once high school freshman (first time he was in jail) and now death row, to the man who shot several people and committed rape at gun point, which is why he was in the penitentiary this last time.  Very different views on the man.  The verdict is  supposed to be reached this Thursday.  They want to do this as quickly as possible, because the other man who was involved is receiving the lethal injection later this month.  I have no idea how they are going to reach a decision on this.  The other man that is on death row is a beastly person.  He wanted the death sentence.  He made a statement that he would kill the juror if that would help.  Straight up.  He was a nasty piece of work.  My professor is a criminal justice professor, so she knows all the details of the cases.  The problem with the other man was that he was fighting for his life, unlike the man fighting to die.  They believed his case was riding on the tail of the other.  He and the lawyer team, want him tried as a separate person.  Which would possibly be better for him.  The head lawyer also claimed that they were not informed that a piece of evidence was going to be evidence.  He felt he could have been better prepared if he know this.

I'm obviously very into this.  But as I was writing up my journal, I was pondering what I thought of the death penalty.  It's never been something on my radar.  I'm pretty sure Iowa doesn't have it anymore.  But I really thought about this specific case.  My Uncle Randy is a prison guard at Oakdale in Iowa City, and I may be wrong, but I think it's one of the most dangerous ones.  I thought of that guard, that was beaten so badly that his brain was showing through his skull, and I thought of it as my Uncle Randy.  I love my uncle very much, and I was very bothered by the idea.  It then popped into my head that God still loved these two men.  He loves them very much, even though they've done such terrible things.  God loved the guard just as much.  I was floored.  I went through my thoughts, bringing forth every name I'd been thinking about and thinking how God had been with every person.  Whitney Huston was loved by God, even though she was addicted to drugs.  God was with Taylor Swift every time she ended and began a new relationship, and gave her the gift of lyrics.  God loves my friend Bethany and her family, even through their grandfather's passing.  He knows it's difficult.  God loves my roommate Sarah, even though she sometimes bothers me, as everyone does at one point.   He died for her.  He died for these men in the prisons.  He died for ever girl in my pod.  He died for my best friends.  He died for Obama.  He died for Romney.  He loves them so very much.  Have you ever thought of God loving an individual? You often hear of God's love as a universal thing that just covers all.  I've always found that hard to grasp in my heart, even though I've known it's fact.  God loves me and died for me.  But if you look at someone that everyone looks at as despicable, and know that God died for that man or woman, it's so amazing.  So this is love.  It's just so beautiful!

On a totally different line of thought, I have a few prayer requests.  I still haven't gotten another job, and it's making things a bit challenging for me.  I'm determined not to take any money from my parents this year, and I can't do that without a job that pays more often than once every 30 days.  That's a really long wait for a small pay check.  I'm hoping in the next couple of days I'll hear from Hobby Lobby.  I really want that job!! I know so much about all sorts of crafts and art, so it really would be a perfect job for me.  I'm a craft room facilitator!!! Also, I'm starting to get a sore throat, and I have my first solo performance next Monday.  I can't get sick!!!

Of course, God is good, and I know at one point (probably in a month) I will have forgotten these feelings I have now about the sickness and job search.  God's got a good plan, and I know that He loves  me enough to make sure I'm taken care of.  He loves those men on death row, so I'm pretty sure He loves me too! So THIS is LOVE!