Though childhood slips like sand through a seive"
-Bert, "A Man Has Dreams," Mary Poppins, 1964
I've always loved Mary Poppins. I loved the concept of a spoonful of sugar. I loved Julie Andrews and Dick Van Dyke. I loved the humor and wit. I still do! I knew the movie was really about saving Mr. Banks long before "Saving Mr. Banks" was released, and thought it was rather funny when people were surprised. I would sometimes cry when Mr. Banks and Bert had their little duet. It was just a beautiful moment of realization! See, Mr. Banks was trying so hard to take care of his family, that he missed what was important. He was missing out on the joy in life, and was instead sitting in his own ruin. His failure. He didn't have the right perspective.
I've been sitting in my failures recently. In this odd transition between college graduate and adulthood I've become stuck. You see, I graduated with a degree in Art Education. To the general public, that means that I get to become an art teacher. To myself, that means I get to be an art teacher. What the general public doesn't quite realize is that finding positions in that field in the middle of the year is near impossible. So I need to wait until this coming school year to teach. Yet, finding a position for this next year is seeming just as impossible! There are currently only three open positions in my surrounding area, and I have applied to all of them. (Except for the one that needs a 5th recommendation letter... waiting on that letter...) Now I get to sit and wait. I applied to one of them in February. So the wait is getting scary. What does this mean? What happens if I don't get any of them? Also, there's this thing called a certificate that teachers need to have to teach. It takes 10 weeks to process by the Department of Education. I applied the last week of December, and I'm still waiting on approval. I am unnerved. Why on earth have I not been approved? Have I failed in some way? What did I do wrong?
I've been asked if I'm working full time at the zoo. I've been asked if 'this is what I'm doing now' while I waitress at the Cracker Barrel. Not that my jobs are demeaning or not good enough, but I get really insulted by these questions. I feel like they're trying to ask me, in an attempt at a sensitive way, if I failed. I failed at becoming a teacher. A former teaching professor was the one that asked me if waitressing was what I was 'doing now', and that stung. But you know what? I'm moving up at the Cracker Barrel. There are different levels you work at. You start as a Rising Star. When you pass some tests, you move up to a PAR 1 with a raise and your name embroidered on your apron. I passed the test Friday. So that's pretty cool. I don't know how long I'll be working there, but in the mean time, I'm moving up, and I'm liked. I'd say that's pretty nice. So yes, this is what I'm doing now. I'm also applying for teaching jobs, working full time hours at the zoo, running a business, and living life. I'm grinding my grindstone flat.
Besides my seemingly failure at finding a teaching job, there are other things that seem to pile up as failures. I have commissions I've needed to paint since last fall that are incomplete and sitting at my easel. Since 2013, the practice rooms have been waiting for their final brushstrokes and the final echoes of my voice as I work. I have had many people, when I talk about finishing, say, "You're still not done?" No. I'm not. Sorry. I've failed.
My business, as much as I harp about it and love it and dream about it, is in a stagnant state as well. We had one party in early January. And that was the only one we've had. We've had hundreds of people tell us how great an idea they think it is. We've had people say they'd love us at their parties. But my inbox stays empty. Granted, we have a big event April 25th, and an even bigger one on July 25th, but we're just trudging along. And with another princessing business debuting this week, the struggle to move forward seem so much more pronounced. Is my little piece of Disney a failure too?
Today is when I had my final failure. Today I worked at the zoo (like every day) and I was asked to clean the Market bathrooms. Not a big deal. I was on the Events Team at USF. I know how to clean a bathroom. I've worked at VCBC. I know how to clean a bathroom. But we go down to the Market, generally clean it, and head back. Now, I've become good friends with all the Team Leads at the zoo. I know about their pets, their schools, their other jobs, their dreams, their in-laws, and their complaints. They like me. But today I was told that they were disappointed with our work and they were sending us back to re-clean. Granted, my mind was foggy with allergies, and I was with a new staff person, but I was rather confused. When I and my companion got back to the bathrooms, I saw how badly we had done, and I was ashamed. I mean, it's a bathroom! Ten year olds can clean a bathroom! I could lay blame on the gal I was working with, and some of the blame I can lay down on her, but goodness. It's a BATHROOM! Later in the day, my team lead friend told me how our boss was disappointed in me too. And that hurt a lot. I've actually been hoping to get a summer Team Lead position. There's an opening, and I told my boss I'd be interested. I mean, I'm already working the hours! And now I may have shot my chance because of a stupid bathroom! I sent my boss an apology. Having someone disappointed in you is the worst feeling.
Failure is a harsh word for all of this. Is being stuck really failure? But I feel like Mr. Banks. I've been grinding that grindstone pretty hard for the last few months. Every moment I have is spent on these jobs. "I had dreams of walking with giants, to carve my niche in the edifice of time..." But perspective is a beautiful thing to grasp.
I'm a big fan of Relient K. In their song Forget and Not Slow Down, they sing about how there are things you can't change now. You need to keep moving forward. Perspective is a lovely hand to hold. I've been working at holding perspectives' hand. And it helps.
I had listened to this song before work on Wednesday, and it was playing in my mind as I set up the Dino exhibit for the day. I wanted to just think on the words playing in my head, but a volunteer came in. He's been here before. I've said hi, but I've never had a conversation with him. He gets dropped off in a wheelchair every so often, and he cleans the rails in the museum. That day he decided to strike up a conversation with me. I wasn't too thrilled at being chatted with so early in the morning, but I went with it. He asked me how I was. I relied with the usual, and then I asked him how he was. I opened up a dam of sorrow. His brother is going back to jail because of meth. He told me his brother would rather be in jail because he has friends there. He told me that his brother burned down the house his family gave him, and he told me his brother's girlfriend hung herself. She did meth too. He said she was nice, and that he liked her. Guest came in, and in the confusion, he waved and left. Now what a dose of perspective!
Here in Sioux Falls, I have a wonderful house. I may be waiting on the paycheck to pay my rent, but I am able to pay for it. I have a vehicle that gets me where I need to go, and has a terrific bass. I have been raised by the best parents I could ask for. I have now been given a set schedule with a whole day off. On Sunday. I have the freedom to go to church! I have a family that listens when I'm sad, and a sister that does NOT do drugs, or cause her family sorrow. I have running water, money for food, and Internet. I got to eat a whole pizza by myself and it was fantastic. I do not have to collect quarters for laundry. I got a chocolate Easter bunny and it was wonderful. I have everything I really need and more.
I may feel like a failure, but I'm simply waiting. Jesus knew about deserts and dry spells, and I just need to get through this one. Waiting is something I can do. Prayer is something I need to continue to do. I need to have perspective. And to take my spoonful of sugar :).
