Find the score, "King of Pride Rock" to listen to as you read this. It's truly magnificent.
"Simba, you have forgotten me."
"No! How could I?"
"You have forgotten who you are, and so have forgotten me."
-Mufasa and Simba, "The Lion King," 1995
The Lion King is one of the best made Disney movies. When they began work on it, it was so hard to find animators that wanted to work on it, because Pocahontas was also in the works. Even when the studio was partially destroyed by an earthquake, they continued production in a garage. The animators believed in this movie. It had the music, the characters, the plot, and the emotion to make it a stellar movie. You can tell when the creators love something, and it came out on screen. I also think the movie is one of the most highly spiritual.
You were all with me, sort of, through this last year, and it was a tough one. This summer was tougher yet in so many ways, but this summer was also a time of remembering. I forgot why I wanted to be a Christian in the first place. I forgot the heart of things, and couldn't remember what God's love felt like, or what it looked like. I had spiritual amnesia. I couldn't remember who I was.
It's easy for me not to get into trouble at school. I would have to leave my room, and that rarely happened. But when I got home I just wanted to rebel for the first time in my entire life. And I did rebel. But just against the person I had wanted to be.
"Look inside yourself Simba. You are more than what you have become."
"How can I go back? I'm not who I used to be."
I wish I had the Simba intervention, but I had more of a slow intervention. Things are better now. I may not be who I used to be, but that's not a terrible thing. I may not have the brightly colored bows in my ponytail, but I've traded that for a more grown up view of life. I may not squeal every time I see a new Disney princess item at Wal-Mart, but... no, I still do that. I couldn't always stay that girl that didn't know anything of what the world was going to throw at me, or how to grow up. Sure, growing up sucks, but it's not going to stop coming if I complain about it. It took Simba a while to figure it out, but you can come back. God is always calling us back to him, and we just need to be quiet enough and listen, instead of shouting our insecurities and worries and begging to have prayers answered now. We get these false ideas of how God pulls us back to him by all of these dramatic stories, much like Mufasa opening up the heavens. There is a very, very slim chance that God's going to open the heavens to answer your question on who you should marry, or what college major you should have. It's just not going to happen. We hear of drug addicts that suddenly 'see the light' and others that have dramatic events in their lives that bring them to the Lord. That's just not always how it's going to be. I've reminded myself of that a lot. And I still don't have a dramatic story. Never have, actually.
I ended up in the hospital this summer with a terrible, terrible case of tonsillitis, and I kept begging God to show himself. I was in pain. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't eat. I even got wheeled to the room in a wheelchair because I had no energy to even walk. The sad part about feeling appart from God and needing Him desperately is that you sometimes start trying to make deals with Him. You forget what kind of God he is, and that He doesn't WANT you to have to suffer, but He see's a purpose in it. I don't know why it had to take 6 times to get a needle in my arm, but eh, it's history now. I'm healthy again. And sometimes I really do wonder if all these sad and terrible instances can all come down to having the purpose of sharing a reflection on them. I think it's worth it.
I was challenged by a friend of mine at the end of the school year to make a study of a book in the Bible. I had told him I didn't even know where to begin to make my way back to who I used to be and wanted to be. And so I read Romans. I've always enjoyed reading that book, and tried to study it. It was really hard. I'd go two weeks without reading the Bible at all, which sounds ridiculous after being at a Bible camp, but it's what happened. But I would slowly improve. It's gotten so much better since returning to school. And I did have different scripture that stood out to me differently than it had before. And that gave me hope. Praying became easier. I finally felt that I could talk to Him without complaining that I couldn't feel Him. I don't have to feel Him to know He's there. He IS there, and my lack of feeling or love is not going to change that. He's in today and tomorrow and yesterday and next week.
I love the end of Mufasa's talk. I really feel as if it's God talking to me. God must have a wonderful speaking voice, huh? That's exactly how I'd imagine it sounding.
"You are my son!"
It's a scolding and a gift in one. I am His daughter. Of course He cares for me. I can just imagine it, can't you? God getting just a little fed up with His ignorant children that don't believe in themselves and the gifts He's given and saying, "You are my son! You are my daughter! Don't you know that I love you?!"
I remember, Lord. Thank you.
