"You just feel... trapped."
- Jasmine and Aladdin, Aladdin
I've never felt more trapped in my life than I have for the last several hours.
I got a message from my dad to call him. It turned out to be about my FASFA information, but then he goes on to tell me that they've found yet another tumor on Grandpa, and it's on his lung. It's spreading, and he may only have a month left.
I feel terrible to admit that besides a small amount of fear, I instantly thought of what would happen if he passed while I was in L.A., and I'd have to leave this tour that I've been so excited for. Then I thought about him missing Val's graduation. And also Maddie, Mason, Paige, and Seth's graduations. And now my brain's going into hyperdrive of all the things in our lives that he'll miss. I forgot to think of him. Grandpa Harold is such a wonderful grandfather. He is so proud of us grandkids that he cries nearly every time he sees us, and this was years before the cancer. He's such a hoot. I remember when I was young he set newspapers on fire trying to make pancakes. He currently has two pet foxes at my house, and he's had all different types of forest animals throughout his life. His deer are the most well known. I took one to show and tell when I was a first grade student. He brought it all curled up in a picknick basket. :) I need to find that picture. I'm lucky enough to have had as much time with him and his deer as I have, being the oldest grandchild. But I'm also incredibly unlucky, and trapped. 
I'm back at USF for my spring semester, and it's going really well, for school stuff. But now I'm trapped by distance, ability, and time.
First of all, Sioux Falls is a far ways away from Grandpa. From home, he lived about 10 minutes away. At the hospital, he was 45 minutes. Now he's 4 hours and 32 minutes away, according to Google Maps. It's so hard to take that drive on any old weekend. Nine hours of driving in one weekend is hard to do.
Second of all, is that I have no money. With no job for the month of January, and having to quit at Hobby Lobby, I'm practically broke. I have enough money to get home. Probably not enough to get back. And then I don't get paid until the last day of the month for the one job that I've been able to keep a hold of, Events Team (college janitor, basically). So even if I got back home and then back to school, I would have maybe 5 bucks to my name, and I don't have a real meal plan.
Third, is that I promised my grandpa a great many things in my life. I've promised to come and see him at home, back when he was well and able. I promised to do a painting of his beloved tractor. I promised to sing at his church several times. And now I really can't do most of those. The singing thing got away from me. I am a busy gal when I'm home, and to go to my grandparent's church was just a hassle I didn't want to deal with, or I didn't have any music ready. I will probably feel guilty about that for the rest of my life. The painting you'd think is still possible, until you get a good look at his tractor. There are so many little gadgets and hoses and pumps on a tractor that I would never be able to finish that in any sort of time. So my Uncle Tim helped me come up with another idea. I was going to paint 4 pictures in the form of a barn window on a large piece of canvas. Then Tim asked why don't I just paint right on a barn window? GENIUS. It will be homey and with the glass I can use the photo as a stencil and really get all the detail quickly and efficiently. But I'm trapped with that too. The barn window my uncle got me is at home, because we were going to exchange one of our actual barn windows. Home is 4.25 hours away, like I said, and now I have no way of getting a barn window in the city. I could go hunt for one, but that will cost money that I don't have. Plus, if I use the money I do have, that may keep me from going home when it really matters. I'm just incredibly trapped, and I'm feeling it. Psalm 139 has helped me to feel some peace, but I just hope that something will turn the tables on this tragedy. The beautiful thing of all of this is that Grandpa has used all this to talk to the nurses and staff about God and his faith. He is one of those rather crazy old men, but he loves the Lord very much, and that's what my confidence is in. God's waiting for him.
